Categories > Books > Harry Potter > The Demon Lord
Prologue! (rebeta read)
17 reviewsThe Prologue for the story. PLEASE reread and REVIEW, has this has been edited!
5Original
Reviews
The Demon Lord
(#) JakeLongFan 2009-09-14
Pretty intense, gotta say that it looks good so far. Please update soon can't wait to read the next chapter.Author's response
Thanks mate, about to start the next chap, now... I for one think this is much better then the last one that I done.The Demon Lord
(#) cloneserpents 2009-09-14
It is an improvement over the first posting. I see that you fleshed out the story. It gives a bit more depth to the story.
However, it still feels rushed. Vernon beats Harry for "...not doing something right or something else silly." Something else silly? What would Harry do that would be defined as silly? Or was the reasoning for Vernon's abuse silly? Also, what are the repercussions for Vernon's actions? If this follows directly after OotP, Moody threatened Vernon and Harry was supposed to keep the Order updated concerning his treatment. Shouldn't the Order members who promised Harry that they would check up on him notice the damage he had suffered.
There are still a frightening amount of misspelled, wrong and missing words as well as words used in the improper tense.
I have a major issue with the following segment:
"Since he got back to his Hellhole of a Prison, he had dreamt of causing Bellatrix a lot of pain before he fucked her into submission."
WHAT? Where the hell did that come from? Nowhere in the story does it mention anything about Harry having dark tenancies or desires. Yes, he is angry and feels betrayed. But when did he become a sexual sadist that wants to "fuck" anyone into "submission"? One moment, he's just a downtrodden kid with the weight of the world on his shoulders then BAM he suddenly wants to rape the woman who may have accidentally killed his godfather with a misplaced stunner. That's a ridiculous leap from depressed-Harry to rapist-Harry. If this revelation had occurred after he had completed the ritual, I could see it as a side affect of turning into a Demon Lord (i.e. the demon transformation implanted such dark desires in him).
If you're looking for a beta reader, I suggest you join a yahoo group and post a request.
This still needs a lot of work. But with a good beta, I'm positive that you can only improve. Good luck.
Shawn (a.k.a. cloneserpents)Author's response
Thanks, for the review, as for the damage, I'm going to explain that Dumbs told the Order Members to do nothing about it... as for misspelt words I'm dyslexic and WELL misspell words. As for the part for Bella and Harry dreaming about fucking her, I did say it wondered why the hell this was... now I think about it, I've got a idea for this part.
I forgot about the letters, thanks for reminding me.
I've looked and thought about what you said about Bella and you're right, so I've deleted that part about Harry dreaming about fucking her, but kept that he thought she was hot.The Demon Lord
(#) marshall88 2009-09-14
Looking forward to reading moreAuthor's response
Thanks for the review mate...The Demon Lord
(#) zicou 2009-09-14
this revision of the chapter is much more greater than the first version !!!
Hope to read more soon so...
Continuuuuuuuuuue!
Z.Author's response
Thanks mate, glad you like it...The Demon Lord
(#) striker1346 2009-09-15
If you plan to add Narcissa to the fic then you should plan on de-aging her if you dont know what im talking about look up an image of her.....Author's response
I see about that, but I can always change to what she looks like, as we haven't seen much of her.The Demon Lord
(#) Galwyrd 2009-09-15
Dumbledore doesn’t think it is safe for them to write and he didn’t them to talk about Order business.
(??? This left me very ??? am i missing a word?)
He had not long seen his Godfather die,(Wording sounds funny.)
His friends knew how he was the year before when Cedric was murdered, where he was sent back to the Dursleys and no one to talk to and where angry at everyone.(run-on, and try when rather then where)
I could go on, but t would be better just to get a beta-reader.Author's response
What do you expect, I've said in my other stories, I'm dyslexic AND I had a bad schooling and don't know the basics of the things I needed to write a story. So please get off my back.
I've got the story at a beta reader now... so we see what happens then.The Demon Lord
(#) fic_reader1 2009-09-15
I have to say if your wrighting continues to improve at this rate this will be a great story. cant wait to see how this continues.Author's response
Thanks for the review mate...The Demon Lord
(#) lover5 2009-09-15
This story sounds great despite the graammer errors, which can be overlooked, but are you ever going to finish your other two stories especially the "Harry Potter and the Slaves" story? I know you said you had writer's block, but there's got to be somewhere you can go with that fic. I just want you to update that fic because I'm dying to see that story get down really good stuff already and for harry to get hermione back.
You have some great ideas and your stories are really good, its just that you never seem to get past a little after the beginning in anything you start.
Anyway I usually don't review stories because I don't have anything to say but felt if I said something maybe you'll update.
Author's response
I was working on the next chapter of Pet, but I lost my memory stick and I can't remember what I wrote for it, so going to do a few chapters of demon, then I'm going back to it.The Demon Lord
(#) The_Wolf 2009-09-15
So far, so good. The revisions are getting better quickly. Althought I've seen "Smock" in place of "Smoke" in all of them. Post the next chapter soon! This has the potential to make an awesome story.Author's response
that's being sorted out, well be repost the beta read chapter when I post the next chapter
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