It is an improvement over the first posting. I see that you fleshed out the story. It gives a bit more depth to the story.
However, it still feels rushed. Vernon beats Harry for "...not doing something right or something else silly." Something else silly? What would Harry do that would be defined as silly? Or was the reasoning for Vernon's abuse silly? Also, what are the repercussions for Vernon's actions? If this follows directly after OotP, Moody threatened Vernon and Harry was supposed to keep the Order updated concerning his treatment. Shouldn't the Order members who promised Harry that they would check up on him notice the damage he had suffered.
There are still a frightening amount of misspelled, wrong and missing words as well as words used in the improper tense.
I have a major issue with the following segment:
"Since he got back to his Hellhole of a Prison, he had dreamt of causing Bellatrix a lot of pain before he fucked her into submission."
WHAT? Where the hell did that come from? Nowhere in the story does it mention anything about Harry having dark tenancies or desires. Yes, he is angry and feels betrayed. But when did he become a sexual sadist that wants to "fuck" anyone into "submission"? One moment, he's just a downtrodden kid with the weight of the world on his shoulders then BAM he suddenly wants to rape the woman who may have accidentally killed his godfather with a misplaced stunner. That's a ridiculous leap from depressed-Harry to rapist-Harry. If this revelation had occurred after he had completed the ritual, I could see it as a side affect of turning into a Demon Lord (i.e. the demon transformation implanted such dark desires in him).
If you're looking for a beta reader, I suggest you join a yahoo group and post a request.
This still needs a lot of work. But with a good beta, I'm positive that you can only improve. Good luck.
Shawn (a.k.a. cloneserpents)
Author's response
Thanks, for the review, as for the damage, I'm going to explain that Dumbs told the Order Members to do nothing about it... as for misspelt words I'm dyslexic and WELL misspell words. As for the part for Bella and Harry dreaming about fucking her, I did say it wondered why the hell this was... now I think about it, I've got a idea for this part.
I forgot about the letters, thanks for reminding me.
I've looked and thought about what you said about Bella and you're right, so I've deleted that part about Harry dreaming about fucking her, but kept that he thought she was hot.