FicWad

Payback’s A Bitch

Disclaimer: - I don’t own Harry Potter, JKR does. If I did, Fred would have lived and Delores would have died.

Thank you to my betas – Adam, Nick and Reyad. Without your input this would be utter rubbish.

A/N: - This chapter was a bugger to write and edit. I probably re-wrote it several times over, before I was mostly satisfied with it. As I have read other stories with shopping in them, I decided to try something different. I summarised most and only wrote about the plot relevant parts. Please let me know if it worked well.


Chapter 4 – Engleburt Humperdink

Sunday, July 1

Harry woke up to the same way he had done for most of the year, by immediately reaching for his wand. As his hand went through the beds curtains, his wand found its way into his hand. Three spells later, the wand was brought inside and a fourth spell cast there too. Only then did he turn off his alarm clock and reach for his glasses, which found their way into his hand quicker than they should have.

In his befuddled state, it took him a moment before he realised that his wand and glasses came to him too quickly. He jerked the curtain aside pointing his wand at what lay beyond, two Elves with very wide eyes.

He stared at them for a while, until understanding slowly flowed into his brain. This was Dobby and Winky, he was in the Chamber and Ron was nowhere to be found. As that final thought hit him, he took a very deep breath and smiled.

Harry lowered his wand and said, “Good morning Dobby, Winky, sorry for startling you.” Just as Harry finished his sentence another factor was introduced to his mind. His mouth felt and tasted like he had swallowed a sock.

Harry cast the Mouth Cleaning Charm and the horrid taste disappeared immediately. It was times like these that he truly loved magic. He never had to fear a visit to Hermione’s parents or any other dentist again. He had only visited one dentist and that was because it was a school run experience. His teeth were fine at the time, but he had heard some horror stories from the other kids.

As Harry finished his musing, he realised that Dobby and Winky were still standing there with scared looks on their faces. In his early morning fog, he couldn’t figure out why, so he just asked, “What’s the matter guys, you look scared?”

Dobby answered, “Is master not going to punish us?” Harry had no idea where they got that idea and said, “Of coarse I'm not about to punish you. Why on earth would I do that?”

Dobby visually relaxed and said, “Master had his wand pointed at us. When a wizard points his wand at an Elf it means he is going to punish us.” Harry remembered who their previous owners were and it all made sense. He said, “I had my wand pointed at you because I realised that my wand and glasses were in my hands before I could look for them. I was on alert for danger, once I realised it was you guys, I lowered my wand. You did hand it to me didn’t you?”

Winky still looked scared when she said, “I handed the wand and glasses to you master. Winky is sorry for making you collapse last night. Winky awaits your punishment.” With that said he dropped to her knees as she had been taught and awaited the pain stoically.

Harry stared at her in horror, recalling being in a similar situation many times throughout his childhood. He also realised the responsibility he had to these Elves. He was their employer but also their master, it was his duty to see to their needs. He said, “Winky please stand up.”

Winky obeyed but kept her head down. Harry said, “Ok looks like we have to lay down some ground rules. The first is that you will both be paid for your work. The second is that only I will punish you. That means that you will not hurt yourself or punish yourself in any way. If someone else tries to punish you, then you are to kick their arse then come get me. Third is you will wear a uniform as you are representing the Potter family, those pillow cases will just not do. There will be some more guidelines later, but for now do you have any questions?”

Winky immediately started to object but Dobby cut her off, speaking to her in the Elven tongue. Harry was perplexed as he watched the two Elves argue in front of him in another language. After a while he started to grin. Dobby was waving his arms about making his points and Winky would scowl and stomp her foot. It was incredibly cute to watch, they looked like an old married couple. As he watched them argue, a sneaking suspicion formed in his mind.

Dobby and Winky finished their chat and Winky said, “Winky understands, master wants to help the Elves.” At Harry’s nod, she continued, “You is the first wizard in 1500 years to want to help us. We is honoured to serve you master.”

Harry responded, “I am honoured to be your employer and hopefully your friend. Now, Winky would you be able to organise some breakfast for me please?” She nodded and popped away.

Harry turned to Dobby and smirked at him. Dobby smiled back for a moment until he realised that his master had a mischievous glint in his eyes, and then his smile turned a little sickly. Harry said, “Do you want to feed Winky the Dobby Tool or what?”

Dobby blanched and turned whitish. Apparently that was an Elven blush. Harry was leering at him, causing him to blush even more. When Harry held one hand in front of him, slapped his hip with the other while pumping them forward and yelling giddy up, Dobby finally broke and said, “Yes Dobby does want to feed Winky his tool.”

Harry crowed in victory and said, “You go for it Dobby. I bet she is gagging for the hot beef injection eh? Just do me one favour, either don’t do it while I am here or let me put up a silencing spell. Oh and please don’t do it on my bed or chair or table.”

Dobby was blushing whiter than he ever had before. He didn’t know what the hot beef injection was, but he was determined to try it out. He would never have dreamed of having sex where his master slept or sat or ate, that was just not done. Then he had a wicked idea, a very wicked idea.

Dobby looked at Harry in a way that reminded him of the Weasley twins and said, “Master I will not have sex in your area, but what about other areas? What about nasty Snap’s desk and bed? Can dobby and Winky have sex there?”

Harry looked at Dobby for a moment then roared with laughter. He reached forward and grabbed Dobby in a hug and swung him about. This caused Dobby to almost feint in happiness. When Harry put him down he had tears in his eyes he had laughed so hard.

Harry said, “Oh Dobby that is the best idea I have heard in years. I am so proud of you and wish I had thought of that myself. Just make sure you pull out at the last minute and cover his pillow in Elf juice.” Harry couldn’t wait to tell Ron, Sirius and the twins about this, they were going to love it.

When he had calmed down he set Dobby to work cleaning the rest of the Chamber while he got busy. He managed to clean himself with a Scourgify spell and had to admit it was extremely unpleasant. It was something that he wanted to avoid in future if at all possible. Without a shower handy, well a safe shower anyway, he would have to learn some more personal charms.

Soon Winky came back and he tucked into breakfast. While he was eating, the Elves finished cleaning the rest of the Chamber. After breakfast he got Dobby to grab some Potion ingredients from Snape’s stores. As he had been punished for stealing from Snape’s stores recently, even though it was Barty Crouch Junior, he felt justified doing it now. He also had Winky browse the Library for some books as well as return a few of the ones he was finished with.

The first potion he brewed was a Hair Growth Potion. It took about half an hour to make and an hour to take effect. Harry made two doses and took them as soon as he was able to. The potion would make his hair grow six inches per dose. This would make his hair about as long as Lucius Malfoy’s hair. Harry figured that was a good length for a pureblood family head to have.

The second Potion he brewed was also a fashion Potion. Never in a million years would he have guessed that he would ever read a book on women’s beauty, but he had to admit they had some damn useful stuff for disguise. This potion was the cornerstone in his disguise. It was the equivalent of muggle foundation makeup. It was called the Blemish Concealer and normally women would use it to cover a pimple, mole, etc. Harry was using it to cover his scar. Once applied it was good for 24 hours.

Next he got to work on his clothes. With some hit and miss Transfiguration he got three outfits ready. The first would be for a pureblood head of a family. So it included stylish robes, boots and a hat. The main difference Harry made was to the boots. He made the inner sole 2 inches thick, hence giving him a height of 5 foot. The second outfit was all in brown. It had brown robes and a full length hooded cloak with a deep cowl. His third outfit was a plain muggle outfit, but he had made some changes to the t-shirt. On top of these outfits he also got one for Dobby, which he may not need to use, but would have just in case.

Lastly Harry practiced his Glamour's and the Voice Modification Charm. He basically had to change his face, hair, skin, voice and that was just for his first disguise. Once he got all of them sorted he cancelled them and packed his bag. He was wearing his pureblood disguise so he packed his other one plus Dobby’s. He also put in a change of muggle clothes and his Invisibility Cloak

When he was ready, he called the Elves over and had them sit down. Harry said, “Ok this is the agenda for today. Dobby and I will head into Diagon Alley and do some shopping among other things. I will be in disguise, actually several disguises. Dobby you will also have to play a different character. While we are gone, Winky I would like you to move your and Dobby’s belongings, furniture and what not, down here. You will be living with me from now on. If you could also clean up the entrance tube and passage that would be great”

Both Elves agreed and Harry continued, “Now Dobby, while we are out, I will call you Gieves. I will have to treat you a little worse than I normally would, mainly just how I talk to you. Will you be ok with that?”

Dobby answered, “Does master mean like a secret agent or a spy?” Harry was stunned into silence, sitting there with his gob open for any fly that was about. Harry blurted, “What the fuck? How in Merlin’s name do you know about that?”

Dobby blushed again and said, “Dobby likes to watch TV.” This was the last answer Harry ever expected to hear. He just had to ask, “When and how did you watch TV?”

Dobby answered, “When Dobby is not working he visits muggle homes and watches TV through the window or from behind the chairs. Dobby found out about TV from Harry’s bad bad family.”

Harry concluded that Dobby must have spied on him before second year with the mail stealing and cake dropping. Harry was still in shock about Dobby’s TV fetish and sat there with his mouth open for a bit longer. Getting his mind back into gear, Harry put Dobby’s voyeurism to one side and concentrated on more pressing matters. Although Harry didn’t know it, a seed had been planted in his mind by Dobby’s admission.

Harry said to Dobby, “Today I want you to act like a spy for me. We do not want to be recognised for who we really are. People will remember us, but as different people. If we do this right, then we will be able to come back in this disguise and interact in the future. This will be crucial to my plans for the summer.”

Dobby got excited as Harry outlined how he was going to play his character and the role Dobby would play. This might actually be more fun than cleaning he thought. He practiced his role while Harry and Winky were working on the letter of resignation for Headmaster.

Within no time Harry made his way to Myrtle’s bathroom. He checked the map and found his way out was clear. When looking for staff members he found them all still in their quarters. This was strange to Harry since it was about 8:30am and they were usually finishing breakfast around this time. Using this to his advantage he had Winky drop the letter on Dumbledore’s desk.

*

About ten minutes later Harry made his way into Hogsmeade. He entered from the West to throw off any thought of him coming from Hogwarts. Hogwarts Castle was to the North of Hogsmead, with the railway tracks leading off to the South and the lake was to the North East. Harry’s disguise was firmly in place and he was immersed in the role he had to play.

Harry was no stranger to playing roles; he had been doing it all his life. During his abusive home life, he learned when to play up certain emotions and when to bury others. It was all designed around minimising the pain and suffering he went through. He could never show what he really felt, or he would cop a hiding from one of the three fuckers he had the displeasure to call his relatives.

When he entered the Wizarding World, he loved it because he could let all that go and show that he was actually enjoying himself. It was also one of the reasons he got along so well with Ron for the first three years. All Ron wanted to do was have fun and that suited Harry just fine. In the last year though, Harry hid how much Ron’s rejection of him hurt. It did teach him a very valuable lesson though; having just two friends was really dumb. So he got some more, namely his Quiddich team, Cedric, Victor and Serena. If he wasn’t with Serena, he would have tried to make it up to Parvati as well.

In the guise of Engleburt Humperdink, Harry shuffled into Hogsmeade. He muttered as he went along, keeping up a seemingly senile commentary to himself and managing to get a couple of odd looks sent in his direction. He made his way into the Three Broom Sticks pub, flirted with Madam Rosmerta and even managed to find out her name was Joanne. By the time he Flooed to Diagon Alley, those he left behind saw him as an eccentric, ‘dirty old man.’

One of the books Harry had read part of, earlier that morning was called Wizarding Transportation. He desperately needed to know how to land properly after Flooing or Porkeying if his disguise was going to work properly. The trick to Flooing was to embrace the magic as you were travelling. When you got to your destination, the Floo would have you land properly standing. If you tried to resist or brace yourself or help it, then you would end up on your arse. When Portkeying, the answer was very simple
You stuck your belly forward while travelling and yanked it back when you arrived at your destination so you could control your landing. If you kept the connection, then you would crash into the ground.

He also learnt something very interesting about the different modes of travel. Only humans could Apparate and Portkey. This meant that live creatures and even some dead Potion reagents were hazardous to that mode of travel. Carefully packed ingredients were able to Floo as well as some live creatures. Most creatures did not react pleasingly to Flooing, as evidenced when Hermione took Crookshanks through one time. The damn fur ball went berserk and attacked everything nearby including Hermione, Ron and himself. Apparently pregnant witches and newborn babies did not react well to Apparating or Portkey either, but Harry didn’t dwell on that part of the book.

Now that Harry knew how to Floo, he made his way to the Diagon Alley entrance point. The entrance point was heavily enchanted in numerous ways. Since there were so many people in the Alley, there was a high chance of Apparating on top of someone and splinching the both of you together. So when you tried to Apparate to anywhere in the Alley, you were directed to a specific area. There were a number of alcoves in the area for you to land in. If by chance there were already people in the alcoves, then you would join a queue until it was clear. Anyone caught lingering in an alcove when there was a queue, was evicted into the Alley. On the opposite side of the area were a bunch of fireplaces with jars of Floo Powder next to them. They also had an enchanted money box to pay for the Powder. Anyone who tried to flog the cash from the boxes was sent straight to a Ministry Holding Cell.

Harry landed in Diagon Alley with only a slight wobble. Looking around he started to mutter to himself. He appeared to get irritated and his muttering became louder. He said, “Gieves? Gieves where are you? Where is that infernal elf? Gieves get here now or I’ll have you feeding the Hippogriffs for the rest of the week.” Dobby popped into view moments later.

Harry waggled his finger and berated the Elf, while Dobby grovelled at his feet. After a short tirade, he shuffled off to the bank, muttering as he went. When he got to the bank it was almost empty being just after 9am so he walked straight up to the nearest teller and said, “Good morning. I would like to make a withdrawal as well as get some advice about a problem I have.” Harry slid his key across the counter to the Goblin.

Looking at the key then back at Harry, the Goblin said, “Nice disguise Mr Potter, since this is your key we won’t be detaining you for questioning. You can make a withdrawal from your vault in a moment. Now what is the problem you have?”

Harry’s heart gave a momentary lurch when the Goblin recognised him and he thought his whole plan was shot to hell. He relaxed slightly when told he could visit his vault. Harry thought fast, then said, “Thank you, I like this disguise myself. I trust that my identity will remain confidential! I’m not wearing this getup for fun. Mind telling me how you could recognise me? Will anyone else be able to?”

The Goblin replied, “Let me assure you Mr Potter, that what happens in the bank stays in the bank. No one else can recognise you or even hear what you say while you are at my counter. When you step up to a counter all your Glamour Spells are useless.”

This calmed Harry but also made him query, “Ok, that sounds like a good security practice. It does beg the question though, how did you recognise me?”

The Goblin answered, “A recent photograph which detailed your facial features has been circulated around all the banks employees. We have been told to look out for you.” The Goblin finished this off with a nasty looking grin.

Harry couldn’t help a slight shudder that went through him when a set of very sharp fangs were beared not more than three feet in front of his face. Once the shudder passed Harry processed what was just said. It took him a moment to recognise the significance of the statement. Normally people recognised him by his scar, but this Goblin neglected to mention it. This got him to thinking. He used a Potion on his scar and Spells on the rest of his features. It appeared that the Goblin could see through Spells, but not Potions. Harry had no idea why this struck him as important, but it did, so he filed it away for later.

While he was mulling this all over, the Goblin asked, “So would you care to tell me what you did to your famous lightning bolt scar Mr Potter?” Harry answered him with a slight smirk and a little lie, “I use my muggle aunts make up. Now, what was it Gringotts wanted with me?”

If Harry’s answer perplexed the Goblin, it didn’t show. He did answer Harry’s question, “There have been rumours floating around that the Dark Lord is back. These same rumours also state that you know about it. These rumours concern not only this bank, but the entire Goblin Nation.”

Harry filled the Goblin in on what happened and the Minister’s response to it. Once he finished the Goblin had a nasty look on his face. He said, “That is quite a tale you tell Mr Potter. Would you be willing to swear an oath that it is true?”

At the mention of an oath, Dobby inhaled sharply, making a strange and audible sound. This caused Harry to look at him in query. Dobby answered his look with, “Oaths are very serious to all races, not just Wizards.” A grunt of affirmation was heard from behind the counter following that sentence.

Harry kept his look of query and said, “I don’t get it. What is so special about an oath? It’s just a promise isn’t it? They get made all the time.” Dobby looked sickly and horrified, while the Goblin had a look of glee on his face.

Dobby said, “Master does not know about Oaths? How can this be?” Harry answered, “I was in the muggle world until Hagrid showed up and I had never heard of Wizards until then. I know nothing of my family as they are dead and my only relatives are muggles who blow dog in the worst way possible. Just where and when am I meant to have learned about oaths?”

Our nasty Goblin banker was wearing a strangely neutral face after Harry finished his piece. Dobby was showing outrage and was spluttering slightly. Once he curbed his excess of spit, Dobby filled him in on the nature of oaths.

An oath was a binding magical contract that crossed the racial boundaries of all magical races. Oaths were basically a form of soul magic. When a magical being swore an oath, it was enforced by their very soul and the conditions were rigidly policed. So if someone tried to fudge it a bit, they would get tripped up immediately. This made oaths very tricky and required precise wording. The wording for an oath was usually worked out by both parties well before the oath would take place. The penalty for breaking an oath would vary from race to race, but was very severe in each case. For humans it would be either their magic or their life, depending on which was stipulated.

Harry was very thankful that Dobby was with him. He was going to agree to the oath and could very well have killed himself by accident. Now, though, he was still going to give the oath, but was doing so with his eyes wide open. Harry, Dobby and the Goblin worked out the wording of the oath and Harry made it. There was a slight glow when he swore the oath as it went into effect and the Goblin was satisfied when he was still alive.

Once the oath business was cleared the Goblin asked after Harry’s problem, to which he responded, “I need to make a very large withdrawal as well as get a lot of muggle money. Is it possible to get something to carry a large amount in and can I get galleons changed into pounds?”

The Goblin answered, “The exchange itself is very easy, just bring the amount you want to be changed back to me and I will take care of it. As for a bag to carry your gold in, we do have weightless enlarged bags you can purchase.” At this point the Goblins eyes had lit up and he gave a fanged smile.

Showing his newfound ‘Constant Vigilance’, Harry asked, “What sort of security options do the bags come with?” The Goblin pulled out a sheet of parchment and passed it to Harry.

As Harry went down the list, an evil smirk appeared on his face which got bigger the further down it went. He decided on a weightless bag that was the size of a two pound sack of sugar on the outside but the size of a 44 gallon drum inside. He would have two protective effects on it. The first was an electric shock to anyone who wasn’t keyed into the bag. This was enough to knock the person out for most of the day and send them to hospital to recover. The second effect was if a thief ever got their hand inside the bag, it would cut the hand off and put an anti clotting agent in the wound.

The bag cost a pretty penny, but was well worth it in Harry’s opinion. He had himself and Dobby keyed into it. While thinking about his gold being secure in his bag, Harry naturally thought about his gold being secure in the bank. Come to think of it, he had no idea what sort of account he had or even how much gold he had. This was a very large oversight that would be corrected immediately.

Harry looked up at the obviously happy Goblin and said, “Since we have taken care of my personal monetary security, how about we look at my vault security. While we are at it, can you explain what type of account I have and what options there are?”

The Goblin explained the whole kit and Caboodle to Harry, in hopes of making more money with an upgrade of some sort. Which is exactly what happened as Harry wasn’t going to risk another Philosophers Stone incident. As it stood, there were only standard protections on his vault and anybody could get in if they had his key and a letter of permission.

Harry decided to go for the top of the line security for his vault, which was blood based and had no key. It was curious that this offered more protection than the vault Dumbles put the Philosophers Stone in. When he voiced this question he got a very hard look from the little fellow with sharp teeth.

The Goblin said in a flat and gravel-like voice, “Exactly how do you know so much about the only vault that was ever robbed in the history of Gringotts?”

Harry grinned unrepentant at him, having faced Voldy, this was nothing. He replied, “I killed the fucker that broke in and his host.” Whatever response the Goblin had been expecting, this was certainly not it. Harry almost burst out laughing at the look of astonishment on the Goblins face.

The Goblin composed himself and insisted on all details, which Harry gleefully gave him. By the end of it, the Goblin was ropable. No one had bothered to tell Gringotts anything about Quirrell or Voldemort. The Goblin finally said, “Gringotts owes you a debt Mr Potter. Is there anything we can do for you in payment?”

Harry sensed an opportunity here and said, “I am certain there is something you could do for me, but does it have to be now? Can I call in this debt at a later time?”

The Goblin cursed under his breath. This fucking human was just too sneaky for his own good. Then again why was he surprised, after all he had heard this morning. He replied, “Yes you can hold onto the debt if you like Mr Potter. Was there anything else you wanted?”

They finished up their account keeping business and headed down into the vaults. Their first piece of business involved the beginning of the security upgrades. The goblins would be working on the warding for most of the day, but he was required for the beginning and the end of it.

So after he and Dobby were no longer required, Harry went into his vault and started putting hand fulls of gold into his money bag. Thousands of galleons went into the bag. While scooping up the coins, Harry came across two scroll cases towards the back of the pile. In a rare moment of stupidity, he opened them and tipped the contents out.

Luckily there were no ill effects when he picked them up or when he opened them. Two pieces of rolled up parchment dropped into his hands. Unrolling them, he found they were property deeds. The first was for a small parcel of land and a house in Godrics Hollow. The second was a massive property with several buildings on it but with no address, just a title saying Potter Manor.

Suddenly he was feeling a bit misty. He was hit by an emotional wave of great intensity. In his hands he held not just links to his parents, but links to his whole family. In his hands he held the link to his true home.

And while later Harry come to his senses and found himself collapsed on the mound of gold with Dobby wringing his hands and pacing back and forth in front of him. The little Elf was frantic with worry. When Harry assured him that he was ok, he was engulfed in a hug.

When they were both standing and in full possession of their facilities, Harry turned to Dobby and said, “Dobby can you go and get Winky and bring her here please?”

Dobby wilted and said, “Dobby cannot do that master. Goblins have warded against Elf teleportation. Elves have to walk into Gringotts and ride the fun fast carts.” Harry smiled and replied, “Yes the carts are a lot of fun, aren’t they. Don’t worry about Winky just now; we will deal with that later.”

Returning to the lobby, Harry marched up to the Goblin, whose name he found out was Stagbit. Stagbit said, “Hello again Harry, did you want to exchange some gold for pounds now?” Harry replied, “Yes, I want to get about 3000 pounds, how much is that in galleons?”

Stagbit said, “The exchange rate is 1 galleon per 10 pounds, plus the processing fee. So that comes to 303 galleons.” Harry retrieved the gold and took his cash. Bidding Stagbit goodbye, he promised to return just before 5pm. Harry put his bag onto his belt and left the bank.

As soon as Harry was outside he rushed Dobby to the side of the bank and said, “Dobby I want you to go to Winky and ask her to do something for me.” Handing the little Elf two scroll cases, he continued, “I want her to check out these two properties and search them for me. I need to know what condition they are in and whether there are people, beings or creatures living there. I also want to know if she can sense any magic active or wards there. If there are any valuable or useful items, especially books, she is to bring them to our new digs. Do you have any questions?”

Dobby took the scroll cases and shook his head. Harry said, “Ok once you have delivered the message, please return to my side.” Dobby popped away and Harry moved off into the Alley. Within a minute Dobby was back and assured him that Winky was on the case.

Harry did a lot of shop visiting during the morning, but not a lot of shopping. He did however pick up a lot of catalogues and set up owl order accounts. He even set up a post office box. This box had the highest security possible and just had a number on it. He could have Dobby pick up his mail for him and he would never have to set foot in the post office again. There was no sense in advertising where he was staying nor risk owls being tracked.

Some of the purchases Harry made included lighting for the Chamber, two luxury tents, a more secure and better trunk, some more wizarding clothes, two fully stocked ever-full fridges for his tents and a set of Quiddich balls. He did encounter something very surprising while visiting Flourish and Blotts book store.

Harry shuffled up to the counter to see a bored looking young witch reading a magazine, probably Witch Weekly. He said, “Hello deary, can a get a complete listing of the school Potions texts please?”

Without looking up she said, “Saint George or Hogwarts?” It was a good thing she didn’t look up; because his gob was wide open in surprise. Just as she was about to ask again, he said, “Both please.”

At this, she did look up with a look of query on her face. He explained, “I have to teach my great grand kiddies Potions and I need to have something to gauge their progress on.”

She asked the obvious question, “Why don’t you send them to Hogwarts or even Saint George? I know it’s not as prestigious, but it turns out many good wizards and witches?”

Harry sniffed in disgust and declared, “No Humperdink will ever set foot in Hogwarts as long as that twinkling eyed candy man is running the show. That infernal menace cannot even manage his wardrobe let alone a school. I swear he has hoodwinked the whole country. And as for Saint George, well I have nothing against it sweet cheeks. I won’t last another decade alive and I want to spend as much time with the little ones as possible. There is so much to tell them and not enough time to do it in.”

The young witch appeared quite flustered after his spiel. Whether it was from his spray of Dumbles or his impending death he was unsure of. Either way, she would remember an old man about to die, not a green eyed celebrity with a scar.

He eventually got the list of potions books, a catalogue and a few books. The books he bought were Brittain’s Magical Schools, an Atlas to Magical Great Brittain and Magical World Atlas. He had no idea there was another school in Brittain besides Hogwarts, let alone four. It turns out that each country had its own school that was a public school. They were funded by the government and only taught up to OWL level. Hogwarts was apparently a private school and very prestigious because it taught up to Newt level.

There was another shop that ended up surprising Harry quite a bit, the Magical Optometrist. Upon entering the shop Harry found himself surrounded by dozens of different eyes as well as pairs of glasses. There was a woman behind the counter dressed like Madam Pomfrey, in a nurse’s uniform. Looking up she welcomed him into the shop.

Harry greeted her, “Hey good looking! As you can see I wear glasses. What options do I have with regards to my eyes? I would love to perv on your vision of loveliness properly without glasses.” The nurse giggled at the old codger and replied, “Call me Suzanne, or Goddess old man. Well we will have to test your eyes and find out exactly what is wrong with them before we can go any further.”

Having said that she pulled out her wand and moved up to Harry. She cast some diagnostic charms before speaking, “You have standard short sightedness. That is actually easier to fix than some other conditions. We can either go with new glasses, or contact lenses.”

Harry considered this then asked, “I there any way to permanently fix my eyes?” Suzanne answered, “There is a way, but it is complicated. We need to know more about what caused your condition. Differing causes mean different methods to cure it. Tell me how long have your eyes been like this?”

Harry thought about his life and said, “Since I was a very small child. I have always worn glasses. No, that’s not right, I have always needed glasses, but I only got them when I was six.” Suzanne nodded and said, “Well that narrows things down a bit. Tell me; was there a traumatic event when you were a child? It can be magical, physical or emotional.”

Harry knew the exact event that caused his condition. The night his parents were killed and he took an Avada Kedavra to the forehead. Harry answered, “Yes there certainly was a very traumatic experience when I was a child, let’s leave it at that.”

Suzanne nodded again and said, “Right then. A permanent cure can only come from you. No spell or potion can fix your eyes. They will only work for a short period of time. The trauma of that event has been stored in your eyes or is connected to your eyes. In order for your vision to return to normal, you need to release that trauma completely.”

Hearing this Harry was floored. Release the trauma of THAT NIGHT. Was she joking? Fuck a duck! Harry’s thoughts were interrupted by Suzanne, who asked, “Are you still interested in contacts or new glasses?”

Recovering slightly, Harry tried to focus on the present and replied, “Yes I would like to get some contact lenses please and some new glasses.”

Smiling Suzanne went to behind the counter and pulled out several boxes. Placing them on the counter she cast another spell at Harry’s eyes and then opened some of the boxes. She said, “Ok we have plain wizard contact lens or we can put some charms on them. The same is true for the glasses. For the contact lenses we can change your eye colour, make them self cleaning and stick them to your eyes. For glasses we can make them impervious to water, unbreakable and un-summonable. Which would you prefer?”

Harry thought over the options and decided to get all of them. He was very surprised though at the small list of charms available. After having Mad Eye Moody teaching him, he had learnt a bit about that eye of his. He asked, “Are those the only charms that you can put on them? I heard of an Auror called Mad Eye who had a wiz-bang magic eye. What did he have on it?”

Suzanne answered, “He must have put on the charms himself. We don’t have any other charms available. I have heard rumours of that eye being able to see through walls too. He probably had special permission from the Ministry for it.”

Harry nodded and swore to himself he would have a chat to Moody about that very soon. Actually he would pick Moody’s brain about security while he was at it. Turning back to the matter at hand, he said, “Ok I would like to get all the charms on each. Can the contacts make my eyes a dark puppy dog brown colour?” He finished this with a wink and a leer.

Suzanne rolled her eyes and removed the appropriate lens. She proceeded to charm them herself and then told him the spells for insertion as well as extraction. The final bill came to 20 galleons. Harry put on his new glasses and noticed his vision came into sharper focus. It seems that his old glasses were pretty shit. He pocketed the contact lens case for his later disguises.

Harry’s final piece of wizard shopping was at Ollivander’s. As always the shop was covered in wands. Mr Ollivander came out and greeted him, “Well, well Mr Potter. You are looking different today. Is there something wrong with your wand?”

Harry cursed himself for forgetting about Mr Ollivander’s abilities. Oh well too late now. He replied, “Hello Mr Ollivander. Could you please not mention my name again, I am in disguise for a reason. As for my wand, well there might be something wrong, but I also have another reason for coming here. Is there something like a holster for a wand to be stored in? I'm sick of putting it in my pocket.”

Mr Ollivander frowned when he heard about the problem but let it pass and said, “Yes I do have wand holsters. Was there any particular type you wanted?”

Harry actually had no clue and asked, “What types are there? Do they come with charms on them?” Mr Ollivander replied, “They can either be charmed or they can be enchanted. Obviously the enchanted ones are much more expensive and last practically forever. The charmed ones last a year or so and need to be re-charmed when they fail.”

Harry found this absolutely fascinating. He had never heard of enchanting before and he was drawn to it. He decided to look it up later. For now he said, “I want an enchanted holster please. What can you enchant it with?”

Mr Ollivander said, “All wand holsters have a sizing spell on them, so that the wand can actually fit on the wearers arm. They can also be un-summonable and any colour. Now normally I don’t let any customers but Auror’s know the next set of options, but for some reason I think you are going to need it. They can also be made invisible to any but the wearer, spell resistant and have a quick draw.”

Harry really liked the quick draw. Having the wand shoot into his hand instead of having to pull it out was a huge advantage if he got ambushed. He decided to get a holster with all the options. It cost him 50 galleons but he thought it was well worth it. Mr Ollivander grabbed one from out the back and showed him how to use it. Once Harry had it down he said, “Now tell me of this problem with your wand.”

Harry proceeded to tell him about the duel with Voldemort and how the wands joined. Mr Ollivander listened with rapt attention to the tale. Not quite believing what he heard he said, “May I see your wand for a moment? I need to check it.” Harry complied and Mr Ollivander cast a spell on it. He now believed the story. This wand had indeed made contact with its brother. That meant the Dark Lord was back. Fuckerty, fuck, fuck, FUCK! There goes the neighbourhood!

Harry saw Mr Ollivander slump after casting the spell. He guessed what had happened and said, “Mr Ollivander is it possible to get a new wand? Voldemort will come after me again and I can’t fight him with the one I have.” As Harry said this, he was thinking about the piece of basilisk fang that he had wrapped up in his pack.

Mr Ollivander flinched when he heard the name, but it did bring him out of his slump. He said, “The only way for you to get another wand is to be an Auror. Occasionally a person can get permission from the ministry for one. I’m sorry I can’t help you. It seems I was right that you would need the full package on your wand holster. Sometimes I hate being right. Now don’t worry young Mr Potter, I won’t mention your visit to anyone. Nice disguise by the way.”

Harry thanked Mr Ollivander and left the store. His shopping now done, he took a deep breath and made his way to a lawyer’s office. The only thing that lightened his mood was remembering all those lawyer jokes.


A/N: originally I planned for this chapter to be twice as long. As it has been ages since I updated, I cut it short so I could post what I have.