Categories > Original > Humor > Deconstruction
Breakfast and Beer Goggles
1 reviewThis chapter brought to you by Chaos Baked Goods! Pure evil. With sprinkles!
1Original
STOP STOP! DON'T SUE!! I don't own - Oh, wait. I kinda' do. Never mind!
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(Scene: the next morning. Emal, wearing a coat over his dress-robe, is buying toastie-cakes(TM) from a street vendor who's wearing gloves and working at a griddle.)
AMLAH: Now what do you say, little master?
SOOT: Oh! (To vendor) Make mine with extra glaze!
AMLAH: Oooooo!
SOOT: (Laughs.) I mean "thanks."
EMAL: (Under breath.) 'Course if/ I'd /said something like that I'd be twitching on the floor right now, but noooooooo. Amlah just wuvs little Sootie.
VENDOR: You're welcome, little guy. (Pokes the griddle.) I bet your mom never lets you eat these for breakfast! You must like it when she leaves your big brother in charge.
SOOT: (Blinks)
EMAL: Oh, he's not my brother. I'm just ...looking after him for a while. In fact, my feathery little buddy and I here are taking him home today.
SOOT: (Mumbles.)
VENDOR: Well that's nice. (Handing one to Soot.) Careful, little guy; they're hot.
SOOT: (Taking it from him.) Nope; it's fine. (Takes a bite.)
VENDOR: (Shrugs. Offers Emal his.)
EMAL: (Takes it.) YEEEEOW!! HOLY &%#$!! (Drops it, shaking his fingers.)
AMLAH: Master Emal! Language! (Takes out taser!)
EMAL: No, no; wait!
BZZZZZZT!
EMAL: Gah!
SOOT: (Takes another bite.)
(Scene: River Cronno)
FERRYGUY: What? No tip?
SILHOUETTE: Times are tough.
FERRYGUY: #$%@ you, scary black-cape guy!
(The street, several minutes later.)
EMAL: (twitches) No more wedgies; I'm not even wearing underpants!
SOOT: Amlah? (munches on toastie-cake)
AMLAH: Yes little master?
SOOT: What's he talking about?
AMLAH: Who? Master Emal?
SOOT: (Taking another bite) Yeah.
AMLAH: I'm not really sure.
EMAL: Geeeeaah... Lemme alone or I'm telling Ms. Pheesters.
SOOT: Second-grade teacher?
AMLAH: Sixth.
SOOT: Hm. (Licks fingers.) Do you think he knows he's saying that stuff?
AMLAH: (Shrugs.) It matters not, little master Soot. He will wake and we will return you to your parents.
SOOT: But I have to stay with you guys!
EMAL: How long was I out this time? (Shakes gravel out of ear.)
(There is some clattering at a nearby door -- Emal naturally got them rooms at the inn near Ye Cheape Singles Barr. Two brigands walk out into the street.)
SOOT: Eeep! (Hides behind Emal)
EMAL: Come on, now... (Begins to back toward the allyway. Soon he, Soot and Amlah are out of sight.)
BRIGAND JEDD: Why didn't you guys tell me she was that ugly?!
EMAL: That voice! ...nah.
BRIGAND ORANFH: (mumbles)
BRIGAND HATRI: You said you didn't care!
BRIGAND JEDD: Never listen to me when I'm that drunk!
(The doorhandle clicks)
BRIGAND JEDD: Gah! Here she comes! (Begins to run.)
BRIGAND HATRI: Oh relax; she probably just wants to beg your forgiveness for scarring you for life.
(The door opens and an INSANELY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN steps out onto the cobblestones.)
WOMAN: There you are my woodland sweetheart!
BRIGAND ORANFH: (Mumbles in confusion.)
WOMAN: (Walks up to Hatri and kisses him.) Now you be sure to come back some time! (Walks away.)
BRIGAND JEDD: (Picks jaw up off of ground.) I know I was wasted, but how did that happen?
BRIGAND ORANFH: (mumbles)
BRIGAND HATRI: What can I say? Hot chicks dig guys who sing.
BRIGAND JEDD: Life isn't fair.
BRIGAND ORANFH: (mumbles)
BRIGAND HATRI: He's right. Don't be like that, man; I'll buy you breakfast.
BRIGAND JEDD: I guess so. Things do tend to seem better with a piping hot toastie-cake.
(All three brigands smile at the camera as the /Chaos Baked Goods/ logo is flashed.)
BRIGAND HATRI: Yes! And then we'll find that escaped kid!
EMAL: (Herding Soot and Amlah even further away from the three.) I guess that's it, then...
SOOT: That's what?
EMAL: I'm sorry, Soot, but we can't take you home just yet --
SOOT: WOHOO! Um! I mean... why not?
EMAL: Because if we did, those losers would just nab you again. I'm afraid you'll have to hang with us a while longer.
AMLAH: Master Emal is right, little Soot! But do not be discouraged! We can stop by your parents home that they may know of your safety and cease their torment of worry!
SOOT: Let's not! ...I mean... Wouldn't that just lead the brigands to think you brought me back and ...uh... make them hurt people?
EMAL: He's right; we can't risk endangering Soot's family.
SOOT: Right! Innocent people and puppies and stuff!
AMLAH: It is decided then, Master Emal? We must keep the boy as safe as we may while we seek after the words of Lord Pyrosk.
EMAL: The hidden thing. If only we had some clue toward what it was, where it was kept, why it's hidden, what it looks like, or who might want it...
SOOT: (Raises hand) Actually... Um... My dad is a, uh ...city historian! I think I remember him telling me about something in the catacombs!
AMLAH: But the catacombs are oft-frequented by mourners and tour groups! Nothing there could remain unseen for long.
EMAL: Yeah, but the catacombs are a place where sunlight never goes. Something down there might not seem hidden to us, but Pyrosk just might.
AMLAH: What else do you recall, little master?
SOOT: I'll see what I can remember on the way.
(The three of them start to walk off.)
EMAL: So how does a city historian afford a three hundred string ransom?
SOOT: ...he also dabbles in securities?
EMAL: Hm.
(Scene: city gates. The figure in the black cape is holding a pamphlet that reads WELCOME TO CORATHEIM! We see the pages turn to THINGS TO DO: CATACOMB TOURS!)
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.
.
.
.
(Scene: the next morning. Emal, wearing a coat over his dress-robe, is buying toastie-cakes(TM) from a street vendor who's wearing gloves and working at a griddle.)
AMLAH: Now what do you say, little master?
SOOT: Oh! (To vendor) Make mine with extra glaze!
AMLAH: Oooooo!
SOOT: (Laughs.) I mean "thanks."
EMAL: (Under breath.) 'Course if/ I'd /said something like that I'd be twitching on the floor right now, but noooooooo. Amlah just wuvs little Sootie.
VENDOR: You're welcome, little guy. (Pokes the griddle.) I bet your mom never lets you eat these for breakfast! You must like it when she leaves your big brother in charge.
SOOT: (Blinks)
EMAL: Oh, he's not my brother. I'm just ...looking after him for a while. In fact, my feathery little buddy and I here are taking him home today.
SOOT: (Mumbles.)
VENDOR: Well that's nice. (Handing one to Soot.) Careful, little guy; they're hot.
SOOT: (Taking it from him.) Nope; it's fine. (Takes a bite.)
VENDOR: (Shrugs. Offers Emal his.)
EMAL: (Takes it.) YEEEEOW!! HOLY &%#$!! (Drops it, shaking his fingers.)
AMLAH: Master Emal! Language! (Takes out taser!)
EMAL: No, no; wait!
BZZZZZZT!
EMAL: Gah!
SOOT: (Takes another bite.)
(Scene: River Cronno)
FERRYGUY: What? No tip?
SILHOUETTE: Times are tough.
FERRYGUY: #$%@ you, scary black-cape guy!
(The street, several minutes later.)
EMAL: (twitches) No more wedgies; I'm not even wearing underpants!
SOOT: Amlah? (munches on toastie-cake)
AMLAH: Yes little master?
SOOT: What's he talking about?
AMLAH: Who? Master Emal?
SOOT: (Taking another bite) Yeah.
AMLAH: I'm not really sure.
EMAL: Geeeeaah... Lemme alone or I'm telling Ms. Pheesters.
SOOT: Second-grade teacher?
AMLAH: Sixth.
SOOT: Hm. (Licks fingers.) Do you think he knows he's saying that stuff?
AMLAH: (Shrugs.) It matters not, little master Soot. He will wake and we will return you to your parents.
SOOT: But I have to stay with you guys!
EMAL: How long was I out this time? (Shakes gravel out of ear.)
(There is some clattering at a nearby door -- Emal naturally got them rooms at the inn near Ye Cheape Singles Barr. Two brigands walk out into the street.)
SOOT: Eeep! (Hides behind Emal)
EMAL: Come on, now... (Begins to back toward the allyway. Soon he, Soot and Amlah are out of sight.)
BRIGAND JEDD: Why didn't you guys tell me she was that ugly?!
EMAL: That voice! ...nah.
BRIGAND ORANFH: (mumbles)
BRIGAND HATRI: You said you didn't care!
BRIGAND JEDD: Never listen to me when I'm that drunk!
(The doorhandle clicks)
BRIGAND JEDD: Gah! Here she comes! (Begins to run.)
BRIGAND HATRI: Oh relax; she probably just wants to beg your forgiveness for scarring you for life.
(The door opens and an INSANELY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN steps out onto the cobblestones.)
WOMAN: There you are my woodland sweetheart!
BRIGAND ORANFH: (Mumbles in confusion.)
WOMAN: (Walks up to Hatri and kisses him.) Now you be sure to come back some time! (Walks away.)
BRIGAND JEDD: (Picks jaw up off of ground.) I know I was wasted, but how did that happen?
BRIGAND ORANFH: (mumbles)
BRIGAND HATRI: What can I say? Hot chicks dig guys who sing.
BRIGAND JEDD: Life isn't fair.
BRIGAND ORANFH: (mumbles)
BRIGAND HATRI: He's right. Don't be like that, man; I'll buy you breakfast.
BRIGAND JEDD: I guess so. Things do tend to seem better with a piping hot toastie-cake.
(All three brigands smile at the camera as the /Chaos Baked Goods/ logo is flashed.)
BRIGAND HATRI: Yes! And then we'll find that escaped kid!
EMAL: (Herding Soot and Amlah even further away from the three.) I guess that's it, then...
SOOT: That's what?
EMAL: I'm sorry, Soot, but we can't take you home just yet --
SOOT: WOHOO! Um! I mean... why not?
EMAL: Because if we did, those losers would just nab you again. I'm afraid you'll have to hang with us a while longer.
AMLAH: Master Emal is right, little Soot! But do not be discouraged! We can stop by your parents home that they may know of your safety and cease their torment of worry!
SOOT: Let's not! ...I mean... Wouldn't that just lead the brigands to think you brought me back and ...uh... make them hurt people?
EMAL: He's right; we can't risk endangering Soot's family.
SOOT: Right! Innocent people and puppies and stuff!
AMLAH: It is decided then, Master Emal? We must keep the boy as safe as we may while we seek after the words of Lord Pyrosk.
EMAL: The hidden thing. If only we had some clue toward what it was, where it was kept, why it's hidden, what it looks like, or who might want it...
SOOT: (Raises hand) Actually... Um... My dad is a, uh ...city historian! I think I remember him telling me about something in the catacombs!
AMLAH: But the catacombs are oft-frequented by mourners and tour groups! Nothing there could remain unseen for long.
EMAL: Yeah, but the catacombs are a place where sunlight never goes. Something down there might not seem hidden to us, but Pyrosk just might.
AMLAH: What else do you recall, little master?
SOOT: I'll see what I can remember on the way.
(The three of them start to walk off.)
EMAL: So how does a city historian afford a three hundred string ransom?
SOOT: ...he also dabbles in securities?
EMAL: Hm.
(Scene: city gates. The figure in the black cape is holding a pamphlet that reads WELCOME TO CORATHEIM! We see the pages turn to THINGS TO DO: CATACOMB TOURS!)
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