Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance
With The Death Of Me
7 ReviewsA Frerard short fic: Tragic really... but kinda cute at the same time. It's about suicide.
AN:
Um... hey everyone. I have two weeks of school left to survive... and well... it's brutal. I don't know if I'll make it thorugh. I'm kinda selling my soul to teh devil in a way... cuz I have to sign a contract that goes against all my beliefs and what I stand for. I might get kicked out, but I don't care. I just felt really sad and kinda... despressed over the weekend, so I wrote this in an effort to get the shit out of my head. I've tried to keep this fic as clean as I possibly could, just becuase... so I hope you can still enjoy it. It's a bit had to follow at first but It's in Frank's point of view the entire time. This isn't a one shot... but maybe a three or four chapter fic... just so you know. I hope you enjoy this and since it's pretty long... well... I should stop talking now. Ratings & Reviews Please!
~~~Rayy
I turned to the person sitting beside me. He was twiddling his thumbs, looking up at the sky. I lay on my back, staring up at hopefully the same thing he was. I then asked him, “What have we done?”
“Done what?” he replied, taking a position beside me, turning to look into my eyes.
“That’s why I was asking you.” I said, looking into glowing green orbs.
“Nothing then.” He resumed looking back up at the clouds that were floating by.
“Then why is life so unfair?” I asked him again.
He lay silently, turning his head just slightly enough so he could look at me questioningly.
“Why are we the ones being discriminated against?”
“Because...” he began.
“Why?”
“Because… society is yet to accept us.”
I thought about what he said to me, because he was right. He was always right. The people were afraid of what we could do, so they avoided us and fell into the mainstream, looking like everyone else.
“They’re yet to see what we see, and explore the unknown that we’re facing. They don’t know what it’s like, and that is exactly why they don’t accept us.” He continued to speak, in a light, airy voice, not taking it as seriously as I thought he should have.
“But I mean… their lives are so perfect. They have everything. We have nothing. Right?” I continued to question.
“Look at it this way… we have everything, they have nothing. I have you, you have me. That’s something right?”
“Yeah.”
“Then we don’t have nothing. Their lives aren’t as perfect as you think they are.” He said solemnly.
I agreed completely, even though millions of other thoughts were flooding my mind. Thinking would really be the death of me one of these days. I realized that we were both lying beside each other on the grass, in the sunshine, in a great big empty field, enclosed by at least a mile of trees on each side. Everywhere I looked, I saw nothing but grass or trees, except for when I turned to my left side, in which case, I would see an angel. Up at the sky, there was only clouds, the gray-blue sky, and the almost white sun, looking down at us. This could be more than perfect. This was truly paradise. We came here every weekend, to escape the fate that the world had offered us. Everyone, including our own families, for reasons we both knew so clearly, shunned us but really, as long as we had each other, nothing could go wrong.
He turned and looked me in the eyes; never breaking contact and said my name slowly, as if it was the first time he heard it and was saying it aloud. “Why are you upset?” He placed his icy cold hand against my cheek, me instantly feeling a chill down my spine. It was pleasant, but at the same time, surprising, even though I was expecting it.
“I’m not upset babe. Truly I’m not.”
“Then why is it that there are these tiny, warm droplets running down your face?” He held his hand to me, which was soaked in my tears.
“Because… I’m just wondering… why…”
“Why the world won’t be good to us for once? Why we are made to suffer through everything we have been made to suffer through? Why us, the ones who’ve done virtually nothing but be ourselves, are made to pay as if we were criminals?”
I choked on my sobs, because he had stated exactly what I was going to say, and even more. Things I never would have thought of in my entire life. “Y-yes…”
“I don’t know. I really have no idea honey. Just know that, I love you.” He took me into his arms, his black hoodie was wiping up my tears, and his soft lips kissed the top of my head slowly.
“I love you too…” I spat out in between my many sobs. “Just… tell me… please…”
“I would tell you everything I knew, and I have. But this time, I just don’t know.”
“Even if I gave you time… would you be able to tell me?”
“No… even if I had my entire life to think about it… I wouldn’t have an answer good enough for you. Because nothing is good enough for you sweetie.” He kissed my cheek softly, making my skin tingle.
“Couldn’t you tell me what you’re thinking about right now? I really want to know.”
“I’m thinking that… I could just spend the rest of my life here, where no one would be able to find us and judge us. Where we could live happily and freely with each other, no drawbacks, no setbacks, just love.”
“But… it’s not that easy.”
“No. It isn’t. We both have school in the morning. We both have families that are waiting for us when we get back to civilization. We both have things to do, places to go, people to meet, and lives to live.” He spoke in such a tone, that I couldn’t stop listening, even if I didn’t want to, his voice was drawing me in.
“But the life I’m living with you, is already a life lived.”
“It’s not. You have so much to see. We have to find a way to make it through these next two weeks, and once summer hits, we can spend as much time as we want here. Nothing will matter.”
But two weeks could feel like an eternity… The worst part was that, I was facing expulsion, on the last week of school before our exams. He was the only part of me that was actually helping me through it all, since my parents were yet to find out, and my friends had turned their backs on me, seeing me as a delinquent. “I don’t want to go back.” I cried loudly.
“Shhh… I know you don’t. If I could help you, I would. Believe me.”
“You already are helping me…” I cried into the fabric of his black and red t-shirt.
“No I’m not… I’m just comforting you. Helping you would be doing something about your situation. Not sitting here with you, doing nothing and letting the world go by.”
“That is helping. I would be a complete mess without you right now.”
“Would you? Or would you not be in this mess without me?”
“Don’t blame yourself! This isn’t your fault! I screwed up this time okay?! This is my own doing! I dug my own grave!” I had a sudden pang of anger flow through me, which passed quickly, resulting in more tears.
“Shhh…” he stroked my head with his hands, his fingers playing with my ebony hair, twirling them around over and over.
“Please… just kill me now.” I begged.
“If I killed you, that would mean killing myself.”
“Just do it okay?! It would be better for the both of us!”
“I don’t have anything to kill you with, and even if I did, I wouldn’t.”
“Find something. I don’t want to live for another second with all of this stuff going on in my pathetic, miserable life!”
“Your life isn’t what you say it is. There are people who love you. Like me, your mother, your friends.”
“I know you love me… and I love you too… with all my heart. I swear that I do… but since I love you, I don’t want you to be in any pain. I’m causing so much pain for everyone around me! It’s unbearable to think about.”
“Stop talking.” He ordered suddenly, wrapping his arms completely around me, planting my head into his slightly toned chest. “I’m not going to kill you, and everything is going to be okay.”
I couldn’t speak. His tone changed so quickly, startling me, putting my mind into a trance-like state. I wanted to tell him that things weren’t going to be okay, that eventually… I would die. It was the truth, and we couldn’t do anything about it. I started to cry again, but stopped quickly, after he took my face into his hands and kissed me softly.
“Don’t cry.” The words floated off his lips.
“I-I’m not…” I stuttered, not really knowing what to expect next.
“Should we go?” he suggested, “It’s getting kinda dark anyways...”
“No… I don’t want to go back, not now, not ever.”
“How about… I take you to the beach like we used to, and watch the sunset?”
“That would be awesome… but-”
“But nothing. We’re going.” He took me by the arm as I stumbled to get up, my black Converses slipping against the grass.
The car ride was quiet and we barely spoke at all. His Black Flag CD was playing at a considerably loud volume, but I still found it quiet. He asked me a few things, not many, and I usually had a one or two word reply. We arrived at the beach, and he parked his truck at the edge of the sand, as we were at a remote area. We both walked down to where the driftwood logs were, and sat on the sand against one. I lay in his arms, his ebony hair blowing into my face as the wind blew. We were just in time to watch the blue sky, change to orange, purple, red, yellow and other colors, slowly fading. I kissed him on his neck several times, then placed my head in his lap, almost about to fall asleep.
He interrupted my train of thoughts saying, “Let’s get you home.”
“Can’t I stay at your place tonight? Please?”
“…Are you sure your mom won’t mind?”
“No… I told her that I would be at your place. She suggested a sleepover anyways.”
“Um… okay. You can borrow my clothes for school tomorrow… they should fit you…”
He cradled me in his arms once again, whispering my name softly into my ear, sending chills up and down my spine. He knew my weaknesses, and he knew how to make me feel loved.
We walked back up the beach, getting into his blue truck he let out a deep sigh. I saw trouble in his eyes, and maybe that wasn’t all. I chose not to ask him about it, and to just let that one slide.
When we got to his house, he told me to ignore his brother and what he said, and to hope that his parents weren’t home yet. They never did approve of our relationship, and still probably won’t. His brother usually made sick jokes about us and teased him continually. I was pretty fed up with it, but not as much as he was.
“What time is it already?” I asked, opening the door to his bedroom.
“It’s almost ten. You’re sleepy aren’t you?”
“Couldn’t you tell when I practically fell asleep in your lap?”
“Okay… then why don’t you crawl into my bed? We got rid of the extra mattress. Sorry.”
“No need to be sorry really. Your bed is big enough for both of us.”
He stripped his clothing, into a plain black t-shirt and a pair of blue boxers. He looked so sexy with his hair pushed back as he climbed in with me. I inhaled deeply, taking in how nice he smelled, and how warm his skin suddenly felt. I rested my head onto a pillow and closed my eyes. I felt arms circle my body and the soft lips against my forehead. He kissed along my temple, then my cheek, down to my neck, and stopped there. I turned around so I could get more comfortable.
He hissed lightly into my ear right before I fell asleep, “I love you.”
The next morning, it left like I had a hangover. My head was hurting like hell and I completely lost the will to wake up. I still felt someone’s warmth with me, and that was when I realized that I was sleeping with him, in his bed. The sun was slightly penetrating the tiny window located in the center of the back wall of the room, and I let out a long yawn, only to fall back onto the white pillow with my eyes wide open. The only thing I had meet me down there, were two flashing green eyes, staring me in the face. I let a smile play about my lips, a smile reflecting from his as well. Our lips met briefly, greeting me good morning. I didn’t at all want to go to school, and I would rather spend my entire day here lying with him, hiding away from the world.
“It’s already 7:30 babe, if we don’t get up now, we’re not gonna make it to school.” He said, sitting up.
“No… I’m not going.” I pouted like a six year old.
“C’mon… we have to go… you’ll get expelled.”
“I don’t care.” I said. He had brought up a really touchy subject, which made me slightly tense. “I’m gonna get expelled anyways…” I huffed under my breath.
"Sorry… I didn’t mean for it to come out like that…” he apologized, dragging me to his closet. “Not let’s get you some clothes to wear.”
I nodded and pulled a pair of black jeans from a hanger and a black t-shirt along with a striped black and white hoodie. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” He said, pulling his own clothes from their hangers.
“Where’s the bathroom? I need to change…”
“Uh, it’s up the hall… but I think my brother might still be in. He takes forever in the shower.”
“Oh… then… uh…”
“Don’t be ashamed… it’s okay. Just change here. I’m going to anyways.”
I didn’t know what to say. It was like he didn’t have a problem seeing my naked body, slipping into his clothes. I felt slightly disturbed by the fact that I was going to strip in front of him almost completely, but finally, I decided I was just being paranoid. We had been dating for almost the past year. It was about time… I changed as fast as I could, but then since the jeans were a little loose, I asked for a belt. He handed me his black and white checkered belt, and he retrieved a leather one from the hook on the back of his door.
“Perfect fit.” He smirked to himself, looking at me.
“Thanks again…” I said.
“No problem. Really. I don’t mind. You look good in my clothes anyways.” He gave me a wink and turned around, going outside to check if the bathroom was free. I heard him yell something at his brother, and him screaming back in retaliation. It was funny watching these siblings fight, or any siblings fight for that matter, as I didn’t have any.
I opened the door slowly, eyeing him. “Here catch!” he yelled, throwing a brush at me.
I fixed my hair, tossing the brush back up to him, and climbed up the stairs, smelling the sweet scent of coffee. Coffee was one of my many addictions. My mind and body had become attracted to coffee, no matter what time of day it was. He already prepared one for me, the mug sitting on the island table.
“My parents just left for work, so you’re lucky. You’ll only have to deal with him.” He gestured towards his brother, who was also drinking some coffee.
“Haha. My brother has a… playmate.” He teased, looking at me.
“Shut up kid, or I’ll beat the crap out of you.” I threatened, him not taking me seriously at all.
“Oooh, I’m so scared. What are you gonna do to me? You’re only like… 5’4!”
“That. Is. It!” I yelled, getting up to go punch him in the face.
“Stop it!” I heard a voice yell, and my boyfriend in between us, stopping me. “Stop harassing each other. It’s too early for that and I don’t want to see you get hurt.
“You okay baby?” He hugged me tight, kissing me.
“Yeah I’ll be alright. But your brother is an asshole.”
“I know he is. I’ve learned to ignore him, and you will too.”
I smiled and thanked him once again.
The school day was brutal. I barely made it through the first class without having to be sent to the office or getting a detention. My name was called over the PA in the middle of English, and we exchanged glances, my eyes filled with fear. He mouthed “Don’t be so scared.” But I was terrified. Nothing could save me now.
I stepped into the cream colored office, with brown stained furniture, and the principal sitting on a large faux leather chair. I already got bad vibes from the room, and was beginning to feel nauseous. She told me to have a seat, and reluctantly, I did.
“Now listen to this. We need you to sign this contract, that states that you will oblige to all the following school policies…” Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I was so bored hearing her ramble on and on about the mission of the school and crap. I rolled my eyes quickly, but she noticed before I could finish the full 360 degrees.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me!” She scolded, and I let out a sigh. I was tired of all this.
I asked for the contract, and looked at it closely. It was filled with bullshit. I wanted to rip it up into a billion little pieces, then leave dramatically, but I knew that surely I would get expelled after that. I examined each section of the document, careful to look for any fine print. In my head, I decided that I would rather sell my soul to the devil than sign this damn awful contract. It was stating the exact opposite of everything I believed in, and it was something I would never live with.
“I’m not signing it.” I said confidently, staring her in the eyes.
“It’s either you sign it, or you’ll have to find another school to attend in the fall.”
“I’d rather kill myself, than sign your contract. It’s everything I stand against, and I won’t do it, and you can’t make me.”
“What is it exactly that you disagree with?”
“That you’re trying to take away a student’s sense of self with this. That you’re basically making everyone… like you!” I lashed out. I then took the contract in my hands, and ripped it up. “Guess what lady, it’s now… void.” I laughed and exited the room, the door slamming behind me.
I had a sudden burst of confidence in me, as I exited the front doors of the school. I flipped out my cell phone, calling him. I needed to tell someone what I had just done. He answered promptly, congratulating me, saying he would meet me outside. I sat on the front steps, waiting for him. Within minutes, he appeared beside me, hugging me as if he were going to lose me.
“Oh my god… you actually did it!” he exclaimed.
“Yeah… it felt good.”
“I’m sure it did.
“Now where do you wanna go?”
“I wanna go to our field. Please?”
“Sure. I’d love to go there with you. I love going anywhere with you. As long as we’re together, nothing can stop us.”
“I know. That’s exactly why I love you.”
We got to the field, after walking through the trees for about fifteen minutes. We resumed our spots in the center, but I noticed the sky was clouding over. The air smelt strange, which tipped me off that it was going to rain. I flipped up the hood of my sweater, and lay in the slightly damp grass.
“I have an answer to your question.” He spoke.
“What is it?”
“We’re made to suffer, because it’s a way of telling us that this is only preparing us for worse times to come. Those who don’t suffer like us will have no idea what to do when a real tragedy comes. Just think about it.”
After going over it in my head several times I said, “You’re completely right.”
As soon as I said that, water began pouring from the sky onto both of us. The rain was pleasant, and not at all cold. His hair was soaked through within minutes, but I kept my hood up. I ran my fingers through his wet hair, then kissing him on the lips sweetly. This time, he finally kissed me back, and said for the last time that he loved me.
It was really the last time.
After months without him, I gave up on life. I found out later from his brother that he had existing heart problems, and that he could have a heart attack at any minute, and die from cardiac arrest. I cried for days on end, thinking that I killed him, because he died in my arms. It was a day I would never forget, but I desperately wanted to. My boyfriend was dead, I dropped out of school, I was miles away from home. Nothing could have been worse, I swear. I attended his funeral months later, and I sat in the very front pew, staring at his milky white skin and ebony hair, just as perfect as I remembered them. I only wished to see his golden-gren eyes sparkle once again, as they always did. He was my only reason for existence, and without him, it was like there was a giant hole in my heart. Really, there was. That same day, the day of his funeral, I decided life wasn’t worth living anymore. I took my mother's shotgun that she kept in her bedside table drawer, armed and ready. I left her a note telling her I loved her, and that she should keep living her life, even without me. I told everyone else that I loved them, and that it would just be better off this way.
I skillfully positioned the weapon directly against my chest, where my heart was supposed to be located. My pulse was quickening extremely fast, and I was afraid to pull the trigger.
But I did.
With one last breath, I pulled it.
The last thought going through my mind was “Gerard baby, I’ll love you forever.”
I swore I heard him talking to me saying, “I love you too Frankie.”
Um... hey everyone. I have two weeks of school left to survive... and well... it's brutal. I don't know if I'll make it thorugh. I'm kinda selling my soul to teh devil in a way... cuz I have to sign a contract that goes against all my beliefs and what I stand for. I might get kicked out, but I don't care. I just felt really sad and kinda... despressed over the weekend, so I wrote this in an effort to get the shit out of my head. I've tried to keep this fic as clean as I possibly could, just becuase... so I hope you can still enjoy it. It's a bit had to follow at first but It's in Frank's point of view the entire time. This isn't a one shot... but maybe a three or four chapter fic... just so you know. I hope you enjoy this and since it's pretty long... well... I should stop talking now. Ratings & Reviews Please!
~~~Rayy
I turned to the person sitting beside me. He was twiddling his thumbs, looking up at the sky. I lay on my back, staring up at hopefully the same thing he was. I then asked him, “What have we done?”
“Done what?” he replied, taking a position beside me, turning to look into my eyes.
“That’s why I was asking you.” I said, looking into glowing green orbs.
“Nothing then.” He resumed looking back up at the clouds that were floating by.
“Then why is life so unfair?” I asked him again.
He lay silently, turning his head just slightly enough so he could look at me questioningly.
“Why are we the ones being discriminated against?”
“Because...” he began.
“Why?”
“Because… society is yet to accept us.”
I thought about what he said to me, because he was right. He was always right. The people were afraid of what we could do, so they avoided us and fell into the mainstream, looking like everyone else.
“They’re yet to see what we see, and explore the unknown that we’re facing. They don’t know what it’s like, and that is exactly why they don’t accept us.” He continued to speak, in a light, airy voice, not taking it as seriously as I thought he should have.
“But I mean… their lives are so perfect. They have everything. We have nothing. Right?” I continued to question.
“Look at it this way… we have everything, they have nothing. I have you, you have me. That’s something right?”
“Yeah.”
“Then we don’t have nothing. Their lives aren’t as perfect as you think they are.” He said solemnly.
I agreed completely, even though millions of other thoughts were flooding my mind. Thinking would really be the death of me one of these days. I realized that we were both lying beside each other on the grass, in the sunshine, in a great big empty field, enclosed by at least a mile of trees on each side. Everywhere I looked, I saw nothing but grass or trees, except for when I turned to my left side, in which case, I would see an angel. Up at the sky, there was only clouds, the gray-blue sky, and the almost white sun, looking down at us. This could be more than perfect. This was truly paradise. We came here every weekend, to escape the fate that the world had offered us. Everyone, including our own families, for reasons we both knew so clearly, shunned us but really, as long as we had each other, nothing could go wrong.
He turned and looked me in the eyes; never breaking contact and said my name slowly, as if it was the first time he heard it and was saying it aloud. “Why are you upset?” He placed his icy cold hand against my cheek, me instantly feeling a chill down my spine. It was pleasant, but at the same time, surprising, even though I was expecting it.
“I’m not upset babe. Truly I’m not.”
“Then why is it that there are these tiny, warm droplets running down your face?” He held his hand to me, which was soaked in my tears.
“Because… I’m just wondering… why…”
“Why the world won’t be good to us for once? Why we are made to suffer through everything we have been made to suffer through? Why us, the ones who’ve done virtually nothing but be ourselves, are made to pay as if we were criminals?”
I choked on my sobs, because he had stated exactly what I was going to say, and even more. Things I never would have thought of in my entire life. “Y-yes…”
“I don’t know. I really have no idea honey. Just know that, I love you.” He took me into his arms, his black hoodie was wiping up my tears, and his soft lips kissed the top of my head slowly.
“I love you too…” I spat out in between my many sobs. “Just… tell me… please…”
“I would tell you everything I knew, and I have. But this time, I just don’t know.”
“Even if I gave you time… would you be able to tell me?”
“No… even if I had my entire life to think about it… I wouldn’t have an answer good enough for you. Because nothing is good enough for you sweetie.” He kissed my cheek softly, making my skin tingle.
“Couldn’t you tell me what you’re thinking about right now? I really want to know.”
“I’m thinking that… I could just spend the rest of my life here, where no one would be able to find us and judge us. Where we could live happily and freely with each other, no drawbacks, no setbacks, just love.”
“But… it’s not that easy.”
“No. It isn’t. We both have school in the morning. We both have families that are waiting for us when we get back to civilization. We both have things to do, places to go, people to meet, and lives to live.” He spoke in such a tone, that I couldn’t stop listening, even if I didn’t want to, his voice was drawing me in.
“But the life I’m living with you, is already a life lived.”
“It’s not. You have so much to see. We have to find a way to make it through these next two weeks, and once summer hits, we can spend as much time as we want here. Nothing will matter.”
But two weeks could feel like an eternity… The worst part was that, I was facing expulsion, on the last week of school before our exams. He was the only part of me that was actually helping me through it all, since my parents were yet to find out, and my friends had turned their backs on me, seeing me as a delinquent. “I don’t want to go back.” I cried loudly.
“Shhh… I know you don’t. If I could help you, I would. Believe me.”
“You already are helping me…” I cried into the fabric of his black and red t-shirt.
“No I’m not… I’m just comforting you. Helping you would be doing something about your situation. Not sitting here with you, doing nothing and letting the world go by.”
“That is helping. I would be a complete mess without you right now.”
“Would you? Or would you not be in this mess without me?”
“Don’t blame yourself! This isn’t your fault! I screwed up this time okay?! This is my own doing! I dug my own grave!” I had a sudden pang of anger flow through me, which passed quickly, resulting in more tears.
“Shhh…” he stroked my head with his hands, his fingers playing with my ebony hair, twirling them around over and over.
“Please… just kill me now.” I begged.
“If I killed you, that would mean killing myself.”
“Just do it okay?! It would be better for the both of us!”
“I don’t have anything to kill you with, and even if I did, I wouldn’t.”
“Find something. I don’t want to live for another second with all of this stuff going on in my pathetic, miserable life!”
“Your life isn’t what you say it is. There are people who love you. Like me, your mother, your friends.”
“I know you love me… and I love you too… with all my heart. I swear that I do… but since I love you, I don’t want you to be in any pain. I’m causing so much pain for everyone around me! It’s unbearable to think about.”
“Stop talking.” He ordered suddenly, wrapping his arms completely around me, planting my head into his slightly toned chest. “I’m not going to kill you, and everything is going to be okay.”
I couldn’t speak. His tone changed so quickly, startling me, putting my mind into a trance-like state. I wanted to tell him that things weren’t going to be okay, that eventually… I would die. It was the truth, and we couldn’t do anything about it. I started to cry again, but stopped quickly, after he took my face into his hands and kissed me softly.
“Don’t cry.” The words floated off his lips.
“I-I’m not…” I stuttered, not really knowing what to expect next.
“Should we go?” he suggested, “It’s getting kinda dark anyways...”
“No… I don’t want to go back, not now, not ever.”
“How about… I take you to the beach like we used to, and watch the sunset?”
“That would be awesome… but-”
“But nothing. We’re going.” He took me by the arm as I stumbled to get up, my black Converses slipping against the grass.
The car ride was quiet and we barely spoke at all. His Black Flag CD was playing at a considerably loud volume, but I still found it quiet. He asked me a few things, not many, and I usually had a one or two word reply. We arrived at the beach, and he parked his truck at the edge of the sand, as we were at a remote area. We both walked down to where the driftwood logs were, and sat on the sand against one. I lay in his arms, his ebony hair blowing into my face as the wind blew. We were just in time to watch the blue sky, change to orange, purple, red, yellow and other colors, slowly fading. I kissed him on his neck several times, then placed my head in his lap, almost about to fall asleep.
He interrupted my train of thoughts saying, “Let’s get you home.”
“Can’t I stay at your place tonight? Please?”
“…Are you sure your mom won’t mind?”
“No… I told her that I would be at your place. She suggested a sleepover anyways.”
“Um… okay. You can borrow my clothes for school tomorrow… they should fit you…”
He cradled me in his arms once again, whispering my name softly into my ear, sending chills up and down my spine. He knew my weaknesses, and he knew how to make me feel loved.
We walked back up the beach, getting into his blue truck he let out a deep sigh. I saw trouble in his eyes, and maybe that wasn’t all. I chose not to ask him about it, and to just let that one slide.
When we got to his house, he told me to ignore his brother and what he said, and to hope that his parents weren’t home yet. They never did approve of our relationship, and still probably won’t. His brother usually made sick jokes about us and teased him continually. I was pretty fed up with it, but not as much as he was.
“What time is it already?” I asked, opening the door to his bedroom.
“It’s almost ten. You’re sleepy aren’t you?”
“Couldn’t you tell when I practically fell asleep in your lap?”
“Okay… then why don’t you crawl into my bed? We got rid of the extra mattress. Sorry.”
“No need to be sorry really. Your bed is big enough for both of us.”
He stripped his clothing, into a plain black t-shirt and a pair of blue boxers. He looked so sexy with his hair pushed back as he climbed in with me. I inhaled deeply, taking in how nice he smelled, and how warm his skin suddenly felt. I rested my head onto a pillow and closed my eyes. I felt arms circle my body and the soft lips against my forehead. He kissed along my temple, then my cheek, down to my neck, and stopped there. I turned around so I could get more comfortable.
He hissed lightly into my ear right before I fell asleep, “I love you.”
The next morning, it left like I had a hangover. My head was hurting like hell and I completely lost the will to wake up. I still felt someone’s warmth with me, and that was when I realized that I was sleeping with him, in his bed. The sun was slightly penetrating the tiny window located in the center of the back wall of the room, and I let out a long yawn, only to fall back onto the white pillow with my eyes wide open. The only thing I had meet me down there, were two flashing green eyes, staring me in the face. I let a smile play about my lips, a smile reflecting from his as well. Our lips met briefly, greeting me good morning. I didn’t at all want to go to school, and I would rather spend my entire day here lying with him, hiding away from the world.
“It’s already 7:30 babe, if we don’t get up now, we’re not gonna make it to school.” He said, sitting up.
“No… I’m not going.” I pouted like a six year old.
“C’mon… we have to go… you’ll get expelled.”
“I don’t care.” I said. He had brought up a really touchy subject, which made me slightly tense. “I’m gonna get expelled anyways…” I huffed under my breath.
"Sorry… I didn’t mean for it to come out like that…” he apologized, dragging me to his closet. “Not let’s get you some clothes to wear.”
I nodded and pulled a pair of black jeans from a hanger and a black t-shirt along with a striped black and white hoodie. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” He said, pulling his own clothes from their hangers.
“Where’s the bathroom? I need to change…”
“Uh, it’s up the hall… but I think my brother might still be in. He takes forever in the shower.”
“Oh… then… uh…”
“Don’t be ashamed… it’s okay. Just change here. I’m going to anyways.”
I didn’t know what to say. It was like he didn’t have a problem seeing my naked body, slipping into his clothes. I felt slightly disturbed by the fact that I was going to strip in front of him almost completely, but finally, I decided I was just being paranoid. We had been dating for almost the past year. It was about time… I changed as fast as I could, but then since the jeans were a little loose, I asked for a belt. He handed me his black and white checkered belt, and he retrieved a leather one from the hook on the back of his door.
“Perfect fit.” He smirked to himself, looking at me.
“Thanks again…” I said.
“No problem. Really. I don’t mind. You look good in my clothes anyways.” He gave me a wink and turned around, going outside to check if the bathroom was free. I heard him yell something at his brother, and him screaming back in retaliation. It was funny watching these siblings fight, or any siblings fight for that matter, as I didn’t have any.
I opened the door slowly, eyeing him. “Here catch!” he yelled, throwing a brush at me.
I fixed my hair, tossing the brush back up to him, and climbed up the stairs, smelling the sweet scent of coffee. Coffee was one of my many addictions. My mind and body had become attracted to coffee, no matter what time of day it was. He already prepared one for me, the mug sitting on the island table.
“My parents just left for work, so you’re lucky. You’ll only have to deal with him.” He gestured towards his brother, who was also drinking some coffee.
“Haha. My brother has a… playmate.” He teased, looking at me.
“Shut up kid, or I’ll beat the crap out of you.” I threatened, him not taking me seriously at all.
“Oooh, I’m so scared. What are you gonna do to me? You’re only like… 5’4!”
“That. Is. It!” I yelled, getting up to go punch him in the face.
“Stop it!” I heard a voice yell, and my boyfriend in between us, stopping me. “Stop harassing each other. It’s too early for that and I don’t want to see you get hurt.
“You okay baby?” He hugged me tight, kissing me.
“Yeah I’ll be alright. But your brother is an asshole.”
“I know he is. I’ve learned to ignore him, and you will too.”
I smiled and thanked him once again.
The school day was brutal. I barely made it through the first class without having to be sent to the office or getting a detention. My name was called over the PA in the middle of English, and we exchanged glances, my eyes filled with fear. He mouthed “Don’t be so scared.” But I was terrified. Nothing could save me now.
I stepped into the cream colored office, with brown stained furniture, and the principal sitting on a large faux leather chair. I already got bad vibes from the room, and was beginning to feel nauseous. She told me to have a seat, and reluctantly, I did.
“Now listen to this. We need you to sign this contract, that states that you will oblige to all the following school policies…” Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I was so bored hearing her ramble on and on about the mission of the school and crap. I rolled my eyes quickly, but she noticed before I could finish the full 360 degrees.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me!” She scolded, and I let out a sigh. I was tired of all this.
I asked for the contract, and looked at it closely. It was filled with bullshit. I wanted to rip it up into a billion little pieces, then leave dramatically, but I knew that surely I would get expelled after that. I examined each section of the document, careful to look for any fine print. In my head, I decided that I would rather sell my soul to the devil than sign this damn awful contract. It was stating the exact opposite of everything I believed in, and it was something I would never live with.
“I’m not signing it.” I said confidently, staring her in the eyes.
“It’s either you sign it, or you’ll have to find another school to attend in the fall.”
“I’d rather kill myself, than sign your contract. It’s everything I stand against, and I won’t do it, and you can’t make me.”
“What is it exactly that you disagree with?”
“That you’re trying to take away a student’s sense of self with this. That you’re basically making everyone… like you!” I lashed out. I then took the contract in my hands, and ripped it up. “Guess what lady, it’s now… void.” I laughed and exited the room, the door slamming behind me.
I had a sudden burst of confidence in me, as I exited the front doors of the school. I flipped out my cell phone, calling him. I needed to tell someone what I had just done. He answered promptly, congratulating me, saying he would meet me outside. I sat on the front steps, waiting for him. Within minutes, he appeared beside me, hugging me as if he were going to lose me.
“Oh my god… you actually did it!” he exclaimed.
“Yeah… it felt good.”
“I’m sure it did.
“Now where do you wanna go?”
“I wanna go to our field. Please?”
“Sure. I’d love to go there with you. I love going anywhere with you. As long as we’re together, nothing can stop us.”
“I know. That’s exactly why I love you.”
We got to the field, after walking through the trees for about fifteen minutes. We resumed our spots in the center, but I noticed the sky was clouding over. The air smelt strange, which tipped me off that it was going to rain. I flipped up the hood of my sweater, and lay in the slightly damp grass.
“I have an answer to your question.” He spoke.
“What is it?”
“We’re made to suffer, because it’s a way of telling us that this is only preparing us for worse times to come. Those who don’t suffer like us will have no idea what to do when a real tragedy comes. Just think about it.”
After going over it in my head several times I said, “You’re completely right.”
As soon as I said that, water began pouring from the sky onto both of us. The rain was pleasant, and not at all cold. His hair was soaked through within minutes, but I kept my hood up. I ran my fingers through his wet hair, then kissing him on the lips sweetly. This time, he finally kissed me back, and said for the last time that he loved me.
It was really the last time.
After months without him, I gave up on life. I found out later from his brother that he had existing heart problems, and that he could have a heart attack at any minute, and die from cardiac arrest. I cried for days on end, thinking that I killed him, because he died in my arms. It was a day I would never forget, but I desperately wanted to. My boyfriend was dead, I dropped out of school, I was miles away from home. Nothing could have been worse, I swear. I attended his funeral months later, and I sat in the very front pew, staring at his milky white skin and ebony hair, just as perfect as I remembered them. I only wished to see his golden-gren eyes sparkle once again, as they always did. He was my only reason for existence, and without him, it was like there was a giant hole in my heart. Really, there was. That same day, the day of his funeral, I decided life wasn’t worth living anymore. I took my mother's shotgun that she kept in her bedside table drawer, armed and ready. I left her a note telling her I loved her, and that she should keep living her life, even without me. I told everyone else that I loved them, and that it would just be better off this way.
I skillfully positioned the weapon directly against my chest, where my heart was supposed to be located. My pulse was quickening extremely fast, and I was afraid to pull the trigger.
But I did.
With one last breath, I pulled it.
The last thought going through my mind was “Gerard baby, I’ll love you forever.”
I swore I heard him talking to me saying, “I love you too Frankie.”
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