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Goodbye My Lover

Song by James Blunt.

~


Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blind and I knew I had won.


He watched the creamy, delicate skin that was stretched ever so tightly around the muscles of the slender back and small shoulders of the man sitting besides him. He let his fake blue eyes follow the bones of noticeable shoulder blades in the soft skin and he let a hand reach out; letting his finger tips rest momentarily on the warm skin where they met. He felt the slight stiffen from the black haired man and then the release of the muscles as a small sigh could be heard from his lips.

"Gackt?"

He looked into the mirror in front of them and let a slight smile grace his lips. He was rewarded with one alike from the baby blue painted lips he was looking so entranced at. Gackt leaned in and kissed one of the bare shoulders, letting his tongue caress the skin.
He loved the slight taste of salt on it.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

"What's wrong, love?" Mana nuzzled against his chest in a loving, ticklish way and Gackt couldn't keep a tired sigh from slipping past his lips. He shrugged softly. What could be wrong? It was all so perfect, wasn't it?

It was as if they had made love for the first time.

It was perfect. Almost too perfect...

"I love you." He forced his hand up from under the sheet entangling their naked, sweaty bodies and let it find the long, curly hair. Mana smiled sheepishly, as he raised his head and kissed his lips briefly before letting his head fall down to lay on the chest again. One of his long, slender fingers started drawing circles on Gackt's taunt stomach.

"You would tell me, wouldn't you? - if something was wrong that is?" he asked quietly; not really to get an answer but more to reassure himself.

Gackt felt like crying. Yes, of course he would and no, of course he wouldn't.

How could he tell about this? - When he didn't even understand it himself?
The truth was... he was leaving Mizer, wasn't he? He was giving up on one of the things that brought him the most joy in the world, one of the things that made him truly happy.
How could he tell his lover - how could he even tell himself?

You touched my heart, you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind but then I knew it,
My heart was blinded by you.

It was just a normal day, quite sunny and full of buzzing life, as he went into the small, informal building. He looked around a bit lost, checking the hastily scribbled note in his hand over and over again, making sure this was the right place. He fixed his tie for the hundredth time.
It was but it just seemed so... out of place for this kind of meeting.

Was he really meeting them here?

"Sorry, could you tell me the way to the..." he looked down at the note again, taking a little time to decrypt it- damning You's scrawl to the far end of a field, "...the Miyku conference room?"
He smiled at the clerk behind the small desk, as she pointed out the way. He bowed his head slightly and thanked her.

More tie fixing.

He knocked on the door and opened it slowly, as he was bid in.
The room was small and neutral, having only a big table in the middle, surrounded by chairs, and some cheap paintings on the walls. There weren't even a window, but just some harsh ceiling lightning, giving the whole room a tint of yellow.

"Camui-san?" a formal dressed man questioned him. Likely the producer or manager of the band.
He nodded and looked around, realising that there were two more people in the room. It hadn't just been a joke, they were really there.

He tilted his head as his eyes recognized them even through their informal appearance, and he bowed his head in respect. He now felt stupid for showing up a stiff business suit, seeing that the two were dressed in everyday clothes.
But how was he supposed to know? he asked himself irritated. - He wasn't exactly going to meetings with people like them everyday. Heck, he never did.

"Please do sit down." He couldn't help but look up, the raspy voice surprising him.
As politely as possible he let his eyes run over the man; noticing everything from his slender figure, the famous blood red hair - which seriously needed a re-dye - to the deep brown eyes, which was normally hidden behind crazy contacts.
He had never thought - seeing the posters, videos and all - that he could actually find Közi attractive. But he was. He was really handsome as he sat there, smiling softly and bidding him to sit. Only his voice betrayed him, being that of Malice Mizer's rainbow Közi.

They began the meeting quickly and the producer/manager/whatever talked and talked in what seemed like forever. And seemingly about nothing.

As Gackt sat there, listening with a half ear, his eyes kept wandering back to the absent-minded looking man, who sat there with no emotions displaying on his face, not saying a single word throughout the whole meeting.
He knew even then, somehow, that there was so much more to the 'great Mana', the leader of Malice Mizer, than just that cold image, which he fought so hard to keep up.
And he was going to find out what that was.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

A muffled sound escaped those plump, pink lips as he reluctantly broke the kiss slightly to let air slip into their mouths and needy lungs. Even as his blood once again got the required amount of air circulating in them he felt dizzy and light-headed. The slender man before him whimpered under the pressure, with which he was so forcefully pressing him up against the hard wall.

Gackt let go of the other man's wrists, which he had been clutching hard - maybe a little too hard - and instead he let his hands cup Mana's face gently.
As if suddenly holding a rare and fragile flower.
He leaned in but stopped just before his lips touched his again. He looked at the gentle face, half hidden in shades, and he couldn't decipher the emotions on it. This was - after all - Mana not to forget.

Was this okay? - Or was he hurting him?
The last thing he ever wanted was to hurt him. He'd rather hurt himself.

Gackt felt sorry and somehow deadly terrified for having let his passion take control of him like that. He never meant for it to happen- and not like that.
He could normally control it - hell, he was famous for being able to control himself.
So... why was it - ironically enough - that Mana had to be the one who was able to break that and make him loose his senses?

What if Mana now hated him...?

It would break his heart.

Mana broke his train of thoughts as he leaned in and claimed Gackt's lips passionately with a soft growl-like sound, answering his many unasked questions. He wanted this too and bad at that, as those small hands snaked around Gackt's neck and frantically pressed him closer. Even if it really wasn't possible at this moment.

But soon the kiss slowed and instead of being made of lust, it turned into a soft, slow and loving kiss, giving them both the chance to show their long-hid feelings.

Gackt felt lost and delirious in the middle of all this. He couldn't believe that Mana - Mana - was actually kissing him back. Mana, who worked so hard on never showing any feelings. Mana, who never gave him the time of day. Mana, who he wanted so bad. Mana, who he loved so much.

"M-Mana?" His breath was staggering, as he forced himself to break the kiss. He looked into the blue eyes of Mana, who looked back with half-closed, lust-laded eyes. "I'm...-"

"Just," Mana looked at him, his voice small and begging, "love me?"

Gackt nodded dumb-fooled, promising himself to do just that as he leaned in and kissed the soft lips again. He would do that forever, no matter the cost.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

"You're serious?" You raised an eyebrow, having a look of either disgust or slight amusement on his face. Gackt couldn't really tell.

He nodded softly, trying to look You in the eyes.
He felt his body getting warmer, hot actually - boiling to that. He rarely got scared - but he was right now. Scared to death. Scared beyond death. You was his best friend - his soul mate.
He needed You not to judge him. He needed You to approve. More than anything he needed You to understand.
He had never felt like this for another man before; Mana was the first and probably the last if it didn't work out. But it would, it had to. He had never loved anyone like this.

"Mana?"

"Yeah..."

"As in Mana-Mana?"

"That's the one."

"Mana-Mana-Mana?"

"You!"

"Sorry... So... Mana?"

"Yeah."

"I... he's very talented."

Gackt smiled widely, hugging You tightly and feeling a world of pressure slightly lifting off his shoulders. He almost cried of joy and relief.
You laughed softly, tightening his grip around Gackt and mock hushing him like a mother would with a little child crying out at her shoulder.
They stood for a while, both smiling stupidly, still hugging each other. They needed no words for it.

"But, if he hurts you..."

"I know... I know... thank you, You-kun." Gackt most of all felt like rolling his eyes, but at the same time it made him so happy to know that You cared - still.
Not that he really ever expected You to go wonkers on him or anything, but... he had still be scared. Maybe more for himself than for You. Maybe because telling You would make it real.
He was really with Mana.
He really loved Mana.

"He's very beautiful."

"Yeah, he is."

"You sure he's not a girl?" You joked.

"Oh, believe me, he's very much a man."

"Ew! So did NOT need to know that!"

Gackt snickered.

"But I warn you, Gackt-kun, whatever you two do together - no dresses!" You suddenly redrew and looked Gackt in eyes, seemingly serious, "You simply just don't have the legs for it." he stated matter-of-factly and laughed loudly as Gackt looked sulky and offended.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

They both looked at the slender and beautiful androgyny man standing in the other end of the room talking to one of the hosts of the event - or, well, listening, as you would hardly say that Mana talked to people - and both had a sigh caught in their throats. He looked just plain breathtaking in that tight, black dress, the plateaus and with his waist-long and unbelievably straight hair hanging loosely down his shoulders and back.

"I wonder if he sleeps in that..." Közi joked and earned himself a playful slap on the shoulder for that comment. He laughed and gulped down the sad remains of his drink. "Nah, I know he don't..."

Gackt turned around, eyeing him with a raised eyebrow.

"Nooo, easy now lover boy, didn't mean it like that," he smiled softly, yet suddenly sadness played across his features, "He's my best friend, remember? I knew him long before the dresses... Or, I thought I knew him then, didn't I? ... I guess I didn't... Had anybody told me he would be like this someday I would have laughed at them so hard...so hard..." he talked more to himself and his empty glass than to Gackt.

Gackt looked back at Mana. Közi was actually right; if you knew Mana without having seen him in a dress, you wouldn't believe that he would ever wear one. He didn't seem like the type, though of course you'd have to believe it when you saw him in them. He was stunning...

But Gackt knew that he would have loved Mana the same, had he not been wearing dresses. Had he not been so perfectly androgyny and breathtakingly beautiful.
He did that every night, didn't he?

Then he loved the real Mana.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.

"What's wrong, Gackt-kun?"

He sighed, knowing that he wouldn't get away with a lie this time. Kami had the power of knowing when people worried and the curse of not stopping till he knew what it was they worried about.
This was one of the reasons why you loved him and one of the reasons why you hated him.

"Is it Mana-kun?" He knew it wasn't.

"Noo! We're fine... We're more than fine. We're... perfect." Gackt smiled softly, getting off track. Not that he minded that, but he could see from the look Kami send him that he did. He could just as well get it over with, couldn't he? He tried finding some words to begin with, but his mind kept betraying him. Oh, and he was the vocal one, huh?

"So, this is about you leaving Mizer?"

Gackt looked at him with a bit of fear in his eyes. Kami smiled softly, shrugging.

"H-how did you know?" More important; did Mana know too?

"Nah, you know, the first thing I told Mana and Közi after our first concert with you was that you weren't going to stay... That you were meant for something bigger and you could never settle with this," He looked around, "this might be good enough for us, but you..." There was no bitterness in his voice, just a matter-of-fact tone.

Gackt bowed his head, looking down at his hands. He looked at the faltering nail paint; black.
"I just... this isn't me, Kami-kun. This isn't me. I don't know how to say it... but I just don't feel real anymore," he looked up, "I wanna be real. I want to feel real.... I want to be a real singer... I want to sing my own feelings... I want to be happy."

Silence.

He had said too much. It had come out too wrong.

"You can't stay just for him," Kami stated matter-of-factly, which was getting kind of annoying at this point. Couldn't Kami just be angry at him instead of so damn understanding? It just made him feel worse - if possible. "He would never let you - and he would never want you to."

"I know..." Gackt scratched at the paint franticly, "but how can I tell him? I've been trying to for months..."

Kami shrugged and gave him a brief hug, "But just... don't tell him that you've known for a while. You know how he is about trusting people. And when people being you... It would really break him..." Kami still sounded understanding yet suddenly also a bit threatening; he would never forgive someone who hurt someone he loved.

"I know..." Gackt sighed tiredly, "I know."

None of them saw the small man that had been standing behind of the half-closed door, listening. They didn't see the tears either. They didn't see the heartbreak.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.

He opened the front door as soundlessly as possible. He sneaked into the dark, taking of his shoes and hanging up his jacket. He put down his bag and walked through the small, familiar apartment and into the bedroom.

The warm, homey air greeted him and he sighed with a happy tiredness.

He undressed himself quickly and crawled down under the quilt.
After shaking a bit the warmth from the smothered air from under the quilt started filling him and he scooped close to the body beside him. Mana was lying on his side, his back against Gackt. Gackt smiled and breathed in the smell of his long hair, sighing softly.

He let his hand slide gently over Mana's naked shoulder, down his arm, down his side under the quilt and... he stopped as his fingers came in contact with something unfamiliar. He let them linger for a while.
Mana was wearing... pants? Mana never wore pants to bed. They both slept naked, loving to cuddle up against each other's naked, warm skin after a long day.
They had always done that.
Why was Mana suddenly wearing pants?

Gackt pondered for a while, but finally decided not to worry. Maybe he had just been too tired to take them off; he did work himself too hard. He always had... though this had never happened before...

He shook his head softly; dismissing the thoughts and snaked his arm around Mana and prepared himself for sleep.

He didn't notice the sudden awkward stiffness in Mana's body and he couldn't see Mana's eyes being open either. Mana was looking at the small window; just looking at the moonlight, pretending that the tears coming down his cheeks soundlessly wasn't real.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

It had been days since they had last talked together. Really talked. He had talked, of course, but Mana... Mana was silent, only uttering one - two at most - words every once in a while.

Gackt walked into the bedroom, seeing Mana standing by the sill. He was wearing those pants again, apparently on his way to bed. He turned as he heard him enter the room, but quickly turned his gaze onto the outside again. He didn't even look him in the eyes.

Had he even looked him in the eyes these last couple of days?

"Mana... why are you wearing pants?"
Gackt hadn't asked him that before, because whenever he had had the chance, he had forgotten or had had better things to worry about. But it pained him and now he wanted to know, he needed to know. Whatever Mana was angry about, they had to work it out so they could go back to being happy.

Happy...

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

"What is it that you won't tell me? You know I hate not knowing, you know I hate people keeping secrets from me." Mana's voice was toneless, which frightened Gackt more than his words. He wished Mana would go back to not speaking to him. At least that he could handle.

"I... it's just so hard to say..."

"Oh, yeah, I can see that; you're leaving," he turned around and let a small, cold smile play on his lips, "Oh, no, wait- it wasn't that hard to say!"

"Mana..."

"Don't," he walked past Gackt, his face emotionless except for that fake, hurting smile, "All this time- all this time I thought you were happy... Ha, what a fool I was, right?
I thought you were happy with Mizer - happy with me, and then it turns out that all along you've wanted better... -All along you've planned on better and you never even once thought about sharing that with me... I guess I never meant enough for you to tell me. For you to care about what I thought about it."

"Mana, please, you know that's a lie... I just..."

"You just what, Gackt? Waited for the right moment? ... I just want you to get the hell out of here! Just go! Go and find that better life, when it's all that matters to you. Go find someone better!"
He went into the small bathroom and locked the door, the light click echoing through the silent bedroom. Not that Gackt heard it, for his world was trembling apart and the sound of it inside his head was deafening.

Finally he broke the spell and went over to the door, standing with his forehead against the cold, heartless wood. "Mana, honey, please..." He could hear the small sobs, which was Mana was trying choke.

"Just go away, Gackt. Just... leave me alone."

Gackt let the tears flow freely. He didn't want to go; his heart was breaking; telling him not to go. Begging him not to go. He knew if he walked away now, Mana would never forgive him, never take him back.

He knew that, and he was leaving.

Mana would never understand; Gackt loved him. He loved him so much, he couldn't leave him.
But he needed Mana to hate him. He needed Mana to hate him with all his heart. If Mana hated him, then he could go. Then he could - not move on, he could never move on - but he could let Mana go. He had to let Mana go, because he loved him so much.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

He was soaking wet as he hammered frantically on the door. Not just wet from the pouring rain outside, which he had walked through the last many countless hours, but also from the never ending tears streaming down his face.

Finally the door was opened and You gasped loudly as he saw his friend standing there, broken and drowned in the dark night. He was merely a shadow of who he used to be. "Gaku... what... what happened?"

"I left Mana," He sat down on his knees right there on the hard ground, burring his face in his hands, "Please help me, You-kun, please make it stop hurting this bad..."

It didn't take a second for You to step out into the cold, moist air - not caring that he wore no shoes - and kneel before his friend, taking him into an embrace. He started humming softly, rocking their bodies back and forth, trying to ease the heartbroken man in his arms.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Gackt locked himself into the small apartment and stood for a second, listening. As no sounds were heard he sighed and walked in, looking around in the dark. He didn't feel like turning on the light.
He didn't deserve the light.

He walked into the bedroom and stopped for a second, just looking at the big bed placed in the middle of the room. He went over and let a hand touch the sheets lightly, choking a slight sob.
What was he doing? - was he out of his mind?

"I hate you."

Gackt gasped loudly at the voice sounding from nowhere. He practically jumped up and looked around, his eyes scanning the dark. They stopped at the window, seeing a slender, familiar body sitting at the sill, his face turned away, turned against the dark outside.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

The force of the blow made him stumble back and unto the bed, where he sat, holding his hurt cheek. He did nothing but look at Mana, who was massaging his brushed knuckles. He didn't notice the rusty liquid filling his mouth.

"I really, really hate you."

"And you should."

"I should."

Mana walked over to the bed and stood before him, looking down. He stretched out his hand. Gackt removed his hand from his cheek and looked up, hoping that Mana would just hit him again. He deserved it. He deserved worse than that. Much worse.

"I should..." Mana bowed down and kissed him deeply, pushing him back unto the bed, suddenly ravishing his lips violently. Ravishing him...
This wasn't Mana; normally Mana was always so gentle in his ways. This was a hurt Mana. This was Mana, who he had hurt. He had hurt Mana.

He bit down hard on Gackt's lips; erupting the skin and he sucked greedy the abused area as the irony liquid poured out. Gackt held back the fire in his eyes, as he just lay there, letting the small man hurt him.

It didn't hurt enough.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

"What did you come back for?"

Gackt bowed down to pick up his shirt from the floor, flickering for a second from the pain shooting through his body. It was as if he went momentarily blind from white pain. He shook it off and took his shirt on. He now looked for his pants.

"I... wanted to..."

"Hurt me more?"

"Mana... please."

"Yeah, guess it would have failed anyway... I hurt you, didn't I?" His voice turned small, which made Gackt flicker. Violence he could take but he couldn't handle mercy right now. He didn't want it.

"I deserve it."

"No, I was too rough. I... didn't mean to... I'm not like that..."

"I know, honey." He froze as the last word left his lips, being so normal to him... even after this.

He took on his pants, carefully, reckoning that he would have several dark bruises all over his body. Not that it mattered to him. He stood for a second, looking at the window sill where he had first found Mana.

"I... came to give you this." Gackt dug into his pants pockets and took out a piece of paper.

"What is it?"

"My first real song."

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Gackt put on his shoes and turned to look at Mana, who had started reading the lyrics. Even in the dark he could see the silver tears sliding soundlessly down Mana's pale cheeks. He wanted to say something, anything, but there wasn't anything left in him.
He left without a word.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Gaku?" You looked worriedly at him

"I'm ready." He smiled confident and placed himself in front of the microphone, giving the sign of thumbs up. The music slowly started and he started preparing his voice.
It had been months. He was as ready as he got.

As he started singing, he suddenly felt the burning tears sliding down his cheeks. He didn't feel them leave his eyes, but he felt them run down his skin with a smothering weight.
That little something inside of him broke all over again.

He would never perform 'Sayonara' live.
Never.

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