Categories > Games > Final Fantasy 7
Not Animal Tested
3 ReviewsNo animals were harmed in the making of this fic.
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the creation of this fic. I neither own nor make money off of these characters. If I did, I'd give Zack the harem he deserves.
Warnings: My own special brand of humor.
Notes: This whole fic was spawned from Zack's first comment, it just took me a few months to figure out the context for it.
Not Animal Tested
by fairady
~
Sink or swim, were the rather prosaic last words his tutors had given him. Entirely unneeded as Sephiroth had quickly found that he didn't even need to try to excel among the ranks of Shinra's army.
"Puppy-murderer."
Sink or swim. He'd been amused at that warning once. Somehow it didn't seem so terribly funny now.
"What?" He turned his head to wearily regarded the lieutenant. He was rather sure that he didn't want to know, but past experience had taught him that ignoring Zack only made him worse. Somehow his tutors had neglected to teach him how to deal with manic officers that regulations strictly forbade him to kill.
"You," Zack pointed accusingly. "You're a stone cold, psychotic, puppy-murderer."
The stubborn set in the man's posture indicated that Sephiroth would get no quarter from the lieutenant. His lieutenant now, Shinra had somehow once again "lost" the paperwork to reassign the man to the filthiest mud hole in Wutai.
"And why is that?" Sephiroth sat back, this would probably take a while.
"Your hair is long!" Zack replied, making the statement into an accusation.
"Yes," Sephiroth said slowly.
"Exactly!" Zack said triumphantly, his argument somehow concluded in his demented little head.
Really, Shinra needed to re-evaluate it's policy on fratricide. In some cases it would be a mercy. "I fail to see what my hair has to do with puppies."
"Everything, and you know it."
Sephiroth wearily closed his eyes, the headache hadn't manifested itself yet but he could feel it coming. "No, lieutenant, I don't. If I did, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling the overwhelming need to add porcupine killer to my list of sins."
Zack sighed, and with the air of a man stating the blindingly obvious to the deaf and dumb began to explain, "Your hair is long. I bet it gets in the way a lot when you move around, right?"
"A little," Sephiroth agreed cautiously.
"Yes, so it must get tangled a lot if you don't take care of it right."
Sephiroth blinked, hopefully the man would eventually make sense. "Not rea-"
Zack cut him off impatiently, "So you use hair conditioner to keep it tangle free. But you don't just use any hair conditioner do you?"
Sephiroth sighed and said nothing letting Zack continue with his ranting.
"You see, you're a good Shinra soldier so you wouldn't be caught dead using any non-Shinra products. Bad for the company image right?" Zack gestured around vaguely to include the whole building. "So you use only the stuff that the company makes. But the labs use animals to test all their products out before selling them. Do you have any idea how many puppies had to be murdered before you could have your nice Shinra brand conditioner? You don't and that makes you a puppy-murderer."
Sephiroth stared up at the lieutenant who glared back angrily. It would be a mercy not only to Zack but the world as well to kill him now. "I don't use conditioner."
"You don't?" Zack blinked and frowned clearly puzzled. "Then how do-"
"Good genetics," Sephiroth answered dryly. "Now give me those papers."
"Uh, yessir," Zack sheepishly dropped the day's paperwork onto the desk.
"Oh, Zack," Sephiroth called out just as the other man was about to leave. "You should know that the company really doesn't use animals to test anything in it's cosmetics line."
"But-"
Sephiroth hid his grin behind a sheaf of papers, "Shinra thinks the consumers themselves make much better guinea pigs than puppies."
~
Warnings: My own special brand of humor.
Notes: This whole fic was spawned from Zack's first comment, it just took me a few months to figure out the context for it.
Not Animal Tested
by fairady
~
Sink or swim, were the rather prosaic last words his tutors had given him. Entirely unneeded as Sephiroth had quickly found that he didn't even need to try to excel among the ranks of Shinra's army.
"Puppy-murderer."
Sink or swim. He'd been amused at that warning once. Somehow it didn't seem so terribly funny now.
"What?" He turned his head to wearily regarded the lieutenant. He was rather sure that he didn't want to know, but past experience had taught him that ignoring Zack only made him worse. Somehow his tutors had neglected to teach him how to deal with manic officers that regulations strictly forbade him to kill.
"You," Zack pointed accusingly. "You're a stone cold, psychotic, puppy-murderer."
The stubborn set in the man's posture indicated that Sephiroth would get no quarter from the lieutenant. His lieutenant now, Shinra had somehow once again "lost" the paperwork to reassign the man to the filthiest mud hole in Wutai.
"And why is that?" Sephiroth sat back, this would probably take a while.
"Your hair is long!" Zack replied, making the statement into an accusation.
"Yes," Sephiroth said slowly.
"Exactly!" Zack said triumphantly, his argument somehow concluded in his demented little head.
Really, Shinra needed to re-evaluate it's policy on fratricide. In some cases it would be a mercy. "I fail to see what my hair has to do with puppies."
"Everything, and you know it."
Sephiroth wearily closed his eyes, the headache hadn't manifested itself yet but he could feel it coming. "No, lieutenant, I don't. If I did, I'm sure I wouldn't be feeling the overwhelming need to add porcupine killer to my list of sins."
Zack sighed, and with the air of a man stating the blindingly obvious to the deaf and dumb began to explain, "Your hair is long. I bet it gets in the way a lot when you move around, right?"
"A little," Sephiroth agreed cautiously.
"Yes, so it must get tangled a lot if you don't take care of it right."
Sephiroth blinked, hopefully the man would eventually make sense. "Not rea-"
Zack cut him off impatiently, "So you use hair conditioner to keep it tangle free. But you don't just use any hair conditioner do you?"
Sephiroth sighed and said nothing letting Zack continue with his ranting.
"You see, you're a good Shinra soldier so you wouldn't be caught dead using any non-Shinra products. Bad for the company image right?" Zack gestured around vaguely to include the whole building. "So you use only the stuff that the company makes. But the labs use animals to test all their products out before selling them. Do you have any idea how many puppies had to be murdered before you could have your nice Shinra brand conditioner? You don't and that makes you a puppy-murderer."
Sephiroth stared up at the lieutenant who glared back angrily. It would be a mercy not only to Zack but the world as well to kill him now. "I don't use conditioner."
"You don't?" Zack blinked and frowned clearly puzzled. "Then how do-"
"Good genetics," Sephiroth answered dryly. "Now give me those papers."
"Uh, yessir," Zack sheepishly dropped the day's paperwork onto the desk.
"Oh, Zack," Sephiroth called out just as the other man was about to leave. "You should know that the company really doesn't use animals to test anything in it's cosmetics line."
"But-"
Sephiroth hid his grin behind a sheaf of papers, "Shinra thinks the consumers themselves make much better guinea pigs than puppies."
~
Log in to rate and review this story